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Wed July 24
Speaking of "fairy-godfather", he has had a most awful blow in the death of his brother. Oh how unjust the world seems. He does so much to make others happy, and has lost those who are dearest to him in the last few years. It was all so sudden and he had just returned from abroad. Ah well - Marcus Aurelius says, "Live each day as tho' it were your last" and to see that man suddenly carried off in his 43 year makes death seem a very close companion to every one of us. Poor Mrs. C. is dreadfully upset, as Mr. S.'s grief is sure to affect her. I wrote what I realized was a hopelessly inadequate letter, but what is ther one can say? Rien!
Thurs-Fri July 25-26
Mr. Duras came out to Asbury to take me home last Saturday which was very nice of him, as it was pouring rain. We came in on the train instead of by boat as I had planned. But with the impression of Mr. Middleton fresh in my mind, I did not feel very congenial. I tried to be nice and succeeded fairly well. I don't know why these fits of contrariness come over me when I am with him, and I take an obstinate pleasure in letting him do the talking. It seems more marked, because it is my instinct to take the initiative in a conversation. On Sunday when we all went off on a picnic, the contrariness was very much "en evidence'', with the usual result - - a letter of reproach on Tuesday. I let the matter lie for several days, as he has no right to expect me to be especially nice to him. (Altho' Shakespeare does say "Beauty lives in kindness'') Then I assured him that he was quite wrong in supposing that I had intentionally slighted him. In a way that is quite exact; for I don't intentionally hurt him, I merely am "frigidly indifferent'' which is exactly my state of feelings. Had a good lesson with Mrs. Collins, on the Greenacre songs. It is my last summer lesson and I wonder whether it is not my last lesson at all, and whether it is not the last view I shall have of Schirmer's music room for a longtime. For if I change my plans, that would of course, be all over. Dear Mila has worked like a slave on my things all week. What a monument of unselfishness that girl is! Someday when I have time, I shall learn to be thoroughly unselfish. C'est bien facile \`{a} dire!
Sat Jul 27
Mila and I sewed all day on my "gowns''. I feel as tho I were embarking for distant lands, and in a way, it is my first attempt at an artistic flight, for never before have essayed to sing, quasi-professionally, before utter strangers. It will be quite an experience for me. My voice has been behaving very decently and quite entirely without practise, so I hope it keeps up. I am not going to work hard at it at all, as it seems much fresher when I do not. Rehearsal tonight with Philippi; uninteresting, comparatively. Had quite a heart to heart talk with Jo Hoveman. She is crude but has a heart of gold and reminds me so much in her impulses, of Paula Braendle.
Sun Jul 28
My last Sunday at church! and oh the sermon was magnificent. Rev. Chas. Williams, Bishop of Mich., was the preacher, and there is my ideal of what a minister should be. He has all of Dr. Parks' voice, together with a sympathy and tenderness which the latter seems to lack. He spoke of the inevitable solitariness of the individual soul, and somehow it all seemed to coincide so exactly with what Mr. Middleton said, when I spoke of the environments of the stage "You will realize more and more that after all, each one lives alone and one must constantly broaden annd deepen his resources so that when he finally is thrown back upon himself, that self will be sufficient.'' Dr. Wms. said the thing to do was to make communion with God a habitual thing, so that that when the moment of supreme emotion (in which an individual must be alone except for his fellowship with Divinity) he can turn to a force or conception with which he is familiar and will not be cast alone upon strange lands. I can not even get the form of his sermon but it was the most inspiring I ever heard, and I could sincerely say "Amen,'' when the chaplain said "Lord, what we have heard today with our outward ears, may we graft inwardly in our hearts, and bring forth in our lives in the fruit of good living.''