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Jokes and Stories: Wordplay

English is a crazy language. This page is full of incriminating evidence.

Note: I have no idea where these items originated, with the exceptions noted. If one of them came from your fertile mind or hapless life, then let me know and I'll say that you claimed credit for it. Also, please tell me if any of this information is subject to copyright limitations and I will remove it immediately.

Creative Definitions (Anonymous)
Dead Dog (Anonymous)
A New Language (Anonymous)
Anagrams (Anonymous)
Riddles Rule (Anonymous)

Halloween Humor (Anonymous)
Once upPUN a time (Anonymous)
Tongue Twisters (Anonymous)

The Name Game (Anonymous)
Potato Culture (Anonymous)
NinetiesSpeak/AdverSpeak (Anonymous)
Alternate Ways To Describe Someone Whose Oars Are Not All In The Water (Anonymous)
Excerpts from the Dictionary of Jewish Slang (Anonymous)
Excerpts from the Dictionary of Aussie Slang (Anonymous)
Table Tennis Bill Fails to Pass (Anonymous)
Terrorists at Work (Anonymous)
Computer Haiku (Anonymous)
Sometimes Precision Really Matters (Anonymous)
Fun Puns (Anonymous)
Increase Your Word Power (Anonymous)
Word Counts (Anonymous)
Tickle Me Elmo (Anonymous)

Creative Definitions...

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalisim spray-painted very, very high....

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Dead Dog...

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp, cold body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead, so the vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

A New Language...

The Atlanta School Board has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington, DC, by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics", as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickphone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI (noun). Greeting.

HIRE YEW (complete sentence). Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD (verb). Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow".
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck".

JAWJUH (noun). The state north of Florida. The capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck".

BAMMER (noun).The state west of Jawjuh. The capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' lef $20,000,000.00 in improvements".

MUNTS (noun). A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, an I ain't herd from him in munts".

THANK (verb). Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare".

BARE (noun). An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops an yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare".

IGNERT (adj). Not smart. See "Arkansas native".
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure is ignert!"

RANCH (noun). A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I lef my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago".

ALL (noun). A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck".

FAR (noun). A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far".

TAR (noun). A rubber wheel, or a tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tar in Paris sometime".

RETARD (verb). To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65".

FAT (noun, verb) A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh".

RATS (noun). Entitled power or priviledge.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing' to fat for are rats".

FARN (adj). Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed . . . mus' be from som farn country".

DID (adj). Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim".

EAR (noun). A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe . . . give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR (noun). A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence".

JEW HERE (noun & verb contraction)
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE (a contraction)
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah . . . haze ignert. He aint' thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf".

SEED (verb) Past tense of "to see".

VIEW (contraction; verb & pronoun)
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City . . . view?"

GUMMIT (noun). A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore is ignert".


An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. And NO! I haven't checked each one out but don't you wish you had nothing better to do just for a day or so....or even wonder what someone with this kind of "smarts" could do if better applied.

Dormitory — Dirty Room

Evangelist — Evil's Agent

Desperation — A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code — Here Come Dots

Slot Machines — Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity — Is No Amity

Mother-in-law — Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms — Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness — Genuine Class

Semolina — Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries — Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point — I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes — That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two — Twelve plus one

Contradiction — Accord not in it

This one's truly amazing:

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the anagram:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

And for the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong

The anagram:

"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

Riddles Rule...

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam."

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What kind of coffee and what kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka and iceberg.

Halloween Humor...

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Once upPUN a time...

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Tongue Twisters...

Before trying the tongue twister make sure you stick out and wriggle your tongue for some warming up. in one breath please say as fast as you can. Try these enthusiatically. It might just be the thing to wake you up on a sleepy afternoon.

A tutor who tooted the flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot said the two to the tutor is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?

There is no need to light a night light on a light night like tonight; for a night light's just a slight light on a light night like tonight.

If she stops at the shop where I stop and if she shops in the shop where I shop, then I shan't stop to shop at the shop where she stops to shop.

I had an old saw, and I bought a new saw. I took the handle off the old saw and put it on the new saw. and of all the saws I ever saw I never saw a saw saw like that new saw sawed.

Betty botter bought some butter but she said,"the butter's bitter, if I put it in my batter it will make the batter bitter." so she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she put it in her batter and so the batter wasn't bitter.

Swim, sam, swim, show them you're a swimmer! six sharp sharks seek small snacks so swim, sam, swim!

Down the slipper slide they slid sitting slightly sideways: slipping swiftly, see them skid on holidays and fridays.

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned so what could they do? said the fly,"let us flee!" "let us fly!" said the flea so they flew through a flaw in the flue.

the suitors wore shorts and a short shooting suit to a short suit. but the shorts didn't suit the short shooting suit, and at the short suit the short shooting suit didn't suit. oh, shoot!

Peter piper picked a pack of pickled peppers a pack of pickled peppers peter piper picked. if peter piper picked a pack of pickled peppers, where's the pack of pickled peppers peter piper picked?

The Name Game...

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader she'd be Ella Vader.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton John-Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Lock Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting!

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and marry Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver!

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie The Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur!

Potato Culture...

Received the following from Boise, Idaho:

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.

"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up.

"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.

"Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"PETER JENNINGS?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"


Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chips And Salsa: Chips =3D hardware, salsa =3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Midair Passenger Exchange: Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They have numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Square-Headed Girlfriend: Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Telephone Number Salary: A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Tourists: People who take in-house training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh..Dale,"

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Alternate Ways To Describe Someone Whose Oars Are Not All In The Water...

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

Dumber than a box full of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his/her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster's dead.

A Fruit Loop shy of a bowl.

A taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

The cheese slid off the cracker.

Body by Fisher, Brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.

He/She fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his/her dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His/Her belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

The receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

The skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Big like ox, smart like tractor.

Excerpts from the Dictionary of Jewish Slang...

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all of one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you do.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

MINYASTICS n. going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

FLEISHADICK n. A Jewish flasher.

IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

KINDERSCHLEP vb. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

Excerpts from the Dictionary of Aussie Slang...

DOWNLOAD: get the firewood off the ute

LOG ON: make the barbie hotter

MONITOR: keep an eye on the barbie

LOG OFF: the steak's burning

FLOPPY DISC: what you get lifting too much firewood at once

WINDOW: what you shut when it's cold

BYTE: what mozzies do

BIT: what the mozzie did

MEGA BYTE: what Townsville mozzies do

SCREEN: what you keep shut in mozzie season

CHIP: a bar snack

MICRO CHIP: what's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

MODEM: what you did to the lawns

DOT MATRIX: old Dan Matrix's wife

LAPTOP: where the cat sleeps

SOFTWARE: fluffy wool slippers

HARDWARE: steel tipped work boots

MOUSE: what eats the grain in the shed

MOUSE PAD: Place under the shed inhabited by cool mice

MAINFRAME: what holds the shed up

WEB: what spiders make

WEBSITE: the shed, under the verandah or the backyard dunny

CURSOR: the old bloke who swears a lot

SEARCH ENGINE: what you do when the ute won't go

UPGRADE: a steep hill

SERVER: the person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

MAIL SERVER: the bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

USER: the neighbour who keeps borrowing things

NETWORK: when you have to repair your fishing net

LINE: what you need to get out to fix the net

INTERNET: complicated fish net repair method

NETSCAPE: when fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

ONLINE: when you get the laundry hung out

OFFLINE: when the peg's don't hold the washing up

KEYBOARD: what you hang the car keys on

FILE: what you do to cut metal

FOLDER: what you can't do to a dead cow

IT: long haired almost human relative who can't speak English

MICROSOFT: an embarrassing occurrence fixed with viagara

HARD DISC: after it's been fixed

BROWSER: shortened form for the boss's favourite brown noser

SPREADSHEET: what you do before making the bed

Table Tennis Bill Fails to Pass...

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Terrorists at Work...

Latest news reports advise that a cell of five terrorists have been operating at your job. Police advised earlier today that four of the five have been detained. Security stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin', Bin Drinkin', Bin Whinin', and Bin Fightin' have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Workin', in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the agency.

Computer Haiku

Ah, for a kinder, gentler computer:

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

Sometimes Precision Really Matters...

This new monk starts at the monastery and his job is to help the other monks to copy the old texts by hand. He notices that they are copying from copies so he says to Mr. CEO monk that if there is an error in the copies they would just be repeating them. The CEO monk "we've been copying from copies for centuries but you make a good point my son". So Mr. CEO Monk goes down to the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Later that day the CEO Monk had not returned. Growing worried, the new monk went down to the cellar to look for Mr. CEO Monk. He hears a loud sobbing from the back of the cellar and finds the CEO Monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the CEO Monk "what's wrong?" and in a choked voice came the reply..."There's an 'R', there's an 'R'... the word is celebrate...."

Fun Puns

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your  kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. One Christmas, group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

P.S. A cat ate a heap of cheese and then say outside a mouse hole, waiting with baited breath. (Thanks Ron Terry)

Increase Your Word Power

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable:  What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize:  What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

Word Counts

Pythagoras's Theorem employs: 24 words

Lords Prayer: 66 words

Archimedes’ Principle 67: words

Ten Commandments 179: words

Gettysburg Address 286: words

US Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words

European Commission Regulation on Sale of Cabbages: 26,911 words

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.  At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo  ... two ...  test ...  tickles!