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Jokes and Stories: Just Plain Funny

I have no neat classification for these jokes and stories. You'll cope, though, won't you?

Note: I have no idea where these items originated, with the exceptions noted. If one of them came from your fertile mind or hapless life, then let me know and I'll say that you claimed credit for it. Also, please tell me if any of this information is subject to copyright limitations and I will remove it immediately.

Deductive Reasoning (Anonymous)
Surgeon Talk (Anonymous)
Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven (Anonymous)
Resurrected Rabbit (Anonymous)
Classic: Chicken Jokes (Anonymous)
Aquinas Rules! (Anonymous)
If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft (Anonymous)
Montana Grizzly Bear Notice (Anonymous)
Virus Warning (Anonymous)
Lawyers (Anonymous)
Storks (Anonymous)
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Camping Trip (Anonymous)
The Empire State Building (Anonymous)
How Many Students Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb At... (Anonymous)
Why I Can't Come to Work Today (Anonymous)
Mergers (Anonymous)
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Anonymous)
Duck Food (Anonymous)
So Drunk He Can't Stand Up (Anonymous)
Drunk Driving?
(Anonymous)
Attitude Adjustment (Anonymous)
A Virus that Microsoft Can Handle (Anonymous)
Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective (Anonymous)

Deductive Reasoning...

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn't:

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day...
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Surgeon Talk...

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it."

"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

I’ll give you credit for that one too."

"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?"

Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Resurrected Rabbit...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Classic: Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Console yourself by considering the seeming impossibility of getting a straight answer to one of the simplest questions of all time. This is a bit more philosophical, and the political references are a bit dated now, but some of you might be into that kind of thing.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Aquinas Rules!

Take heart! Here are five proofs for the existence of Santa Claus (with apologies to Saint Thomas Aquinas). Again, this is a bit philosophical, but Santa is worth every bit of intellectual energy we can muster.

"We proceed thus to the next article of discussion. It seems that Santa Claus does not exist.

Objection 1: Presents may be given by the good elves, and so there is no need for Santa Claus.

Objection 2: If Santa Claus existed, there would be no chimneys too narrow for him. But there are chimneys to narrow for him, and sometimes none at all. Therefore Santa Claus does not exist.

On the contrary, Kay Starr says, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

I answer that the existence of Santa Claus can be proved in five ways:

The first and most evident way is the argument from Christmas trees. It is certain and evident to our senses that some things in this world are Christmas trees. Now no fir tree becomes a Christmas tree unless it is trimmed. But to be trimmed means that one receives an ornament. And since one cannot go on to infinity in the passing on of Christmas tree ornaments, there must be a First Untrimmed Trimmer, and this everyone understands to be Santa Claus.

The second way is from the notion of Christmas presents. In this world we find the giving of Christmas presents. Now he who gives Christmas presents either made them in his workshop, or got them from someone else. And since, if no one makes presents in his workshop, there will be no giving of Christmas presents, there must be a first giver of Christmas presents, to whom everyone gives the name of Santa Claus.

The third way is from the plastic image of Santa Claus. In all department stores we see plastic images that represent Santa Claus. Now these are representations of Santa Claus either because of Santa himself, or because of some other imageof Santa. Now there can be no infinite regression in representation, and so there must be something which is like Santa Claus because it _is_ Santa Claus.

The fourth way is taken from the degrees of Christmas Spirit. We see that people in the world have more or less of the Christmas Spirit. But "more" or"less" is said only with reference to "most"; and so there must be someone who has the most Christmas Spirit, and this someone we call Santa Claus.

The fifth way is taken from the conduct of children. As Christmas approaches we see children, who lack intelligence, acting for an end, which is shown by their always (or almost always) being good. But children would not be good for Christmas unless someone ensured that they were good. This someone is known by all to be Santa Claus.

Reply to Objection 1: Since the good elves got the presents they give from someone else, they must be, at the very most, Santa's helpers; and without someone to help, viz., Santa Claus, there can be no helpers.

Reply to Objection 2: It is not impossible that Santa use the door like everyone else."

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (supposedly by Mr. Welch himself): "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Then others added these comments:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT . But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft uprgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say are you sure? before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

11. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.

13. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

14. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Virus Warning...

From: Tim Ferris, Sydney, NSW

If you see a message in your email with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer up to 20 feet. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother's number. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

"Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. "Badtimes" is an evil virus conceived by evil people. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.

Lawyers...

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

Storks...

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Camping Trip...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you jerk. Someone has stolen our tent."

The Empire State Building...

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

How Many Students Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb At...

Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill

Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience

Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure

Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest

Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark

Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that naked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch

Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation

Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

Stanford: One, dude

Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one

Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students

Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket

Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do

Amherst: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student

Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it

Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress

Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework

Colgate: Fourteen--one to change the bulb and a 13-person a capella group to immortalize the event in song

Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that

Sewanee: Seven--the five-person Honor Council to decide if it is against the Honor Code to change lightbulbs, one to find a reference in Faulkner to lightbulb changing, and one to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased bulb

Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out

Virginia: Three--one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson

Kenyon: Two--one to change the bulb and one to claim that Paul Newman touched the bulb

Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in

Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford get press for changing their lightbulbs

Marymount University: 24 (the whole graduating class)--one to run across the street to Fordham to borrow a lightbulb, one to actually do the deed, and 22 others to write poetry about it.

Why I Can't Come to Work Today...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

Mergers...

April 20, 1998, New York Times, "Ultimate Oneness," By Jay Jennings

NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney.

In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."

CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.

BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes. "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.

WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home companion services.

PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment.

ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell. "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.

JERUSALEM, April 1, 1999 (Religious News Service) -- Continuing the current trend back towards turn-of-the-century monopolies, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON: ‘cause it f.....g wanted to. That’s the f.....g reason.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear,and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Duck Food...

A duck walks into a bar and says "Do you have duck food here?"

The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have duck food?"

The bartender says "No."

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says "I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender says "No."

"Do you have any duck food?"

So Drunk He Can't Walk

So Drunk He Can't Stand Up...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Drunk Driving?

Note: This isn't funny, from one point of view, but then, from another...

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I am the designated decoy!"

Attitude Adjustment

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest! You'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant snorting coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest! You'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think of what you are doing to your body! Come running with us through the sunny forest! You will feel so good!" The lion puts down his needle, picks up the rabbit and starts beating him.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror they say, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion says, "He always makes me run around the forest for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

A Virus that Microsoft Can Handle

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective

* There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

* Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that, for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, hope back into the sleigh, and get to the next house.

* Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound.

* For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

* The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more that a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload -- not counting the weight of Santa, which is reported to be fairly impressive -- to 600,000 tons.

* 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right away, and just before the sleigh, presents, and Santa followed.

* Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.