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Jokes and Stories: Wisdom Sayings

Who said all the wisdom in the world is ancient?! We moderns have some darn good sayings of our own.

Note: I have no idea where these items originated, with the exceptions noted. If one of them came from your fertile mind or hapless life, then let me know and I'll say that you claimed credit for it. Also, please tell me if any of this information is subject to copyright limitations and I will remove it immediately.

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals? (Anonymous)
Ten Words that Don't Exist but Should (Anonymous)
Bumper Stickers (Anonymous)
On Criticism (Anonymous)
Some Time-Honored Truths
New Math
Nuggets of Wisdom (from the people listed)
Miscellaneous Sayings, Some New, Some Old

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then
the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And
your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your
situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So
your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Ten Words that Don't Exist but Should...

Parents need more words to describe the weird things that happen to them on a regular basis. Here are some suggestions.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus)adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPETUATION (kar pet' u a shun)n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. UNDUST (un dust')n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n. The act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay')n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. LATTEBLOW (la tay' blow)v. Unintentional expusion of milk through the nose during a laugh.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Bumper Stickers...

Most of these bumper stickers have nothing to do with parenting, but bumper stickers are a parenting fact-of-life, from "Your-Town Soccer" to "My kid is an honor student at Your-Town School." If you have a bit more bumper space, and want to buck the trend of putting sensible stickers on your car, here are a few suggestions. (We had the urge to delete a few of the more risque of these, but finally decided to maintain the integrity of the set as it was sent to us.)

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus."

"Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let friends drive Naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I souport publik edekasion."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

On Criticism...

Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them...
you are a mile away from them...
and you have their shoes.

Some Time-Honored Truths...

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

New Math...

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Nuggets of Wisdom... (from the people listed)

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
- Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could’ve gone to UCLA here in California, but it’s one more letter she’d have to remember.
- Shecky Greene

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
- Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure. Now I don’t know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
- Billie Holliday

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."
- Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
- Stephen Leacock

I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluestone

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone

Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
- Wil Shriner

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

I wold love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
- Shelley Berman

Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- Billiam Coronel

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It’s like having a little pet for your face.
- Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, "I’d like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers

Never moon a werewolf.
- Mike Binder

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

"If only all the hands that reach could touch......"
- Mary A. Loberg


Miscellaneous Sayings, Some New, Some Old...

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress — Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap — Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria — they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.