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Jokes and Stories: Family and Children
Marriage, parenting, and family life isn't all hard work. A lot of our hard work can also seem very funny to other people. Maybe that helps us to laugh at ourselves, or maybe not. Anyway, this page includes some examples of family humor gathered from far and wide across cyberspace.
Note: I have no idea where these items originated, with the exceptions noted. If one of them came from your fertile mind or hapless life, then let me know and I'll say that you claimed credit for it. Also, please tell me if any of this information is subject to copyright limitations and I will remove it immediately.
So, here we go: all about the lighter side of parenting and family life.
Preparing for
Parenthood (Anonymous)
The Toddler Diet (Anonymous)
Family Definitions (by David Laser Conlon)
Questions about Love, Marriage, and
Sex (Anonymous)
Here are some favorites from all over the place masquerading as jokes about families, even though they were originally nothing of the sort. I guess I must have families on my mind.
Stress-Relievers for
Exhausted, Deperate Parents (Anonymous)
Unconventional Treatment
for Excessive Parental Frustration (Anonymous)
When Juggling Work and Family
Gets a Bit Much (Anonymous)
Here are a few methods to give yourself an idea of what parenting will be like, or to make you smile with recognition if you have already taken the plunge.
Women: To prepare for maternity,
•Put on a dressing gown and stick a pillowcase filled
with beans down the front.
•Leave it there for 9 months.
•After nine months, take out 10 percent of the beans.
Alternatively:
•Drink a gallon of water.
•Do not go to the bathroom for 24 hours, or
•Go to the bathroom every 3-5 minutes with no regard to the "amount" you
have deposited.
Either way you will get a good sense of what "bloatation" is like.
Men: To prepare for paternity,
•Go to the local drugstore
•Tip the contents of your wallet on the counter
•Tell the pharmacist to help himself
•Then go to the supermarket.
•Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
•Go home.
•Pick up the paper.
•Read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already is a parent and berate them about their
•Methods of discipline
•Lack of patience
•Apallingly low tolerance levels
•Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve
•Their child's sleeping habits
•Toilet training
•Table manners and,
•Overall behavior.
Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feel...
1.Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a
wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2.At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4.Set the alarm for 3AM.
5.As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
6.Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7.Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8.Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
9.Put the alarm on for 5AM.
10.Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1.Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains.
2.Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3.Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4.Then, rub them on the clean walls.
5.Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1.Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2.Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this --all morning.
1.Take an egg carton.
Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2.Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
Using only Scotch tape and a peice of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3.Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty
packet of Cocoa Pops
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations!! You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1.Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment.
Leave it there.
2.Get a dime.
Stick it in the cassette player.
3.Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.
Mash them into the back seat.
4.Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.
If your diet isn't working out, try eating the way a toddler does.
DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg,
using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips
only, then spill the rest).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of
vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten,
not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the
rug.
Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour
iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of
milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass
of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish
eating it.
Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of
mascara for dessert.
Here are some fine definitions from an excellent book. Find out more about the author, David Laser Conlon, and his book somewhere on the internet (the page he used to be at has moved to who knows where). These definitions are reproduced without Mr. Conlon's permission (so far), but we figure he will appreciate the free publicity for his great book.
diaper: a cut rate toga
triplets: twins with a spare !
age 4: a joyous age when a child can't go from the TV to the sofa, without getting on his tricycle
children: small people who are not permitted to act as their parents did when they were the same age
precocious: seeing through adults at an annoyingly early age
inquisitive child: a live whyer
problem child: a spoiled brat, always found in someone else's family
child psychology: the science of getting your child to eat his food by pretending it is mud !
adolescence: when a boy refuses to believe that one day he'll be as dumb as his dad
life: a span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children
youth: that brief period, as distinguished from childhood or middleage, when the opposite sexes talk to each other at a party 671
teenager: an adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes
sweater: a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly
teenagers: people who express a burning desire to be different, by dressing alike
Questions about Love, Marriage, and Sex...
These questions were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers are enlightening.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend
all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and
her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just
for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that
kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you
smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it
isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It
takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't
hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for
them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on
television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to
hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love,
there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but
attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.
French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in
love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people
care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order
those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE
YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least
once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I
stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the
trash." (Randy, 8)
Stress-Relievers for Exhausted, Desperate Parents...
1. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. When someone says, "have a nice day," tell them you've made other plans.
4. Make a "thing to do" list of things you have already done.
5. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
6. Drive to work in reverse.
7. Have your surname legally changed to "Your-Highness."
8. Pound your head repeatedly on a pile of lightly toasted Wonder bread.
9. Brush your teeth vigorously with cheese whiz.
10. Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
11. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
12. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
13. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
14. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing is
wrong.
15. Start a "Rodents of North America collection."
16. Take ten dollars out of the offering plate at church and put in a note saying
"You owe me, Lord."
17. Paint a picture entitled "My Brain the Forest."
18. Tape pictures of your boss to watermelons and launch them from high places.
19. Put a bag on your head and mark it "Closed for Remodeling."
20. Write your next memo in Pig Latin.
Unconventional Treatment for Excessive Parental Frustration...
When your kids are driving you bananas, consider calling the psychiatric hotline to take your mind off your worries at home.
TELEPHONE: Ring, Ring,...
RECORDING: 'Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line until we can trace the call.
If you a schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to
press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will
answer."
When Juggling Work and Family Gets a Bit Much...
Try these stress-relieving and fun things to do in an elevator.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and mutter, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse; while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."