Global Warming: It's a Good Thing

Hello, and welcome to Frankly Speaking, my column about stuff. Is it to cold for you? Are you suffering from the common cold? Do you hate shoveling snow? Do you hate walking in the slush?

Well, I've got just the thing to cure your ailments-global warming. That's right, folks! Global warming's just the thing to get rid of the snow. It works so well that it will even melt the polar ice caps. It's guaranteed to work or you get your money back.

Act now, folks! Burn that rainforest to the ground, ignore federal emissions laws by removing your muffler, and reopen those factories with their high smokestacks! Demand that your local train companies return to the old-fashioned coal burners!

Don't listen to those idiots, who try to tell you that global warming is wrong. What do they know? They probably all live in a tropical paradise. Look around you! Do you like living in this winter wasteland? I didn't think so. Write to your state representative, and tell him you want a huge bonfire with fossil fuels that turns the sky black. If you don't mind the cold, then think of the children. Do you really wanna see them grow up in a world as cold as the one in which you grew up? I didn't think so. It may be too late for us, but we can make the world a better place for the next generation, and isn't that all that really matters?