Out On Da Tizzown and Police Blotters

There were only two of these made, so I'm including them both on this page. The police blotters are with their respective Out on Da Tizzowns. And now, without further adieu, here they are!

Out On Da Tizzown
Golbez and Frank, featuring Dr. Dre (It was him! I swear!)

Hello and welcome to Frankly Speaking, my column about stuff. Wait, that's not what this is . . . Anyway, Golbez and I were gonna go to a homeless shelter on Friday, and feed the people. "Besides," he exclaimed, "we may run into some hot homeless chicks, whom we can give a place to stay, if ya know what I'm sayin'." I had no idea what he was saying, but I went along with him. We were there for a few hours, but it kinda sucked, so we decided to leave.

Now, we needed something to do, so I suggested that we smash stuff. It was a great time for all, as we roamed the streets of Randolph, Massachusetts, smashing mailboxes and windshields with a lead pipe I found on the street. We saw a cat, and Golbez kicked it.

Now, we were starting to run out of creativity, so we went to the local bar. I had a couple glasses of JD on the rocks, and Golbez had a pitcher of beer.

Now that we were all boozed up, we decided to go out again with our friend, Mr. Pipe. While we were walking along, we saw Dr. Dre. He tried to front and tell us that he wasn't Dre, but we knew it was the truth, but we decided not to bother with him because he was boring us, so we went on our way, smashin' stuff and wreaking havoc all over town. Actually, the rest of the story is a blank to me, but I think there was some arson involved. BOOYA!!!

Police Blotter

· On Thanksgiving Day, Boston police arrested a chemistry professor for indecent exposure. He tried to give the police some cock and bull story about chasing down a turkey that had stolen his beloved green button-down shirt, but the police weren't having it, so they beat him with their nightsticks.

· On November 28, Randolph High School was burned to the ground. Police are looking for a black knight, a man with curly, black hair, and Dr. Dre. The trio is also suspected of other crimes, such as knocking over the machines in the Laundromat, cracking windshields, and smashing mailboxes. When they found out that one of the suspects was Frank D'Andrea, 21, they dropped the charges immediately, and he was declared Caesar Augustus because they love him so much. Golbez and Dr. Dre aren't off the hook, though.

· On November 29, nothing of note happened. I just needed another bullet for the blotter. Ummmmm . . . GEESE!!! There, much better. :-p

Out on Da Tizzown
Golbez and Ray Lewis, featuring Frank and RID Ultra Magnus

Yeah, I hijacked double-o-d-t once again to tell you a rowdy tale. Well, I've been sitting around in Randolph with nothing to do, and then Golbez and Ray-Ray come by last night, and they say they wanna start a riot, so I say, hey I'm on. So call up my homey, Ultra Magnus. This isn't the Ultra Magnus you know, though. This is Ultra Magnus from the Robots in Disguise series of 2001, but anyway, he says "Yeah, I'm game," and I was like "Coo."

So, we naturally start off by going to the local pub. Golbez had himself a fohtee of Golbooze, Ray-Ray had the same, Magnus had himself a huge vat o' energon, and I had a few glasses of JD on the rocks. After that we were ready to go. Ultra Magnus, being a 40' tall robot, didn't need any help doing damage. In fact, most of it was unintentional, since he was stumbling around drunk because he over-energized. At this point, I turned to Golbez and Ray-Ray, and said, "Now, do you see why I invited him?" He tore the town up, I tell you what. I lost contact with them some time after.

Of course, they were trying to rebuild the high school (see the "Out on Da Tizzown" from the week after thanksgiving), but since they had no funding (thank you very much, Governor Romney, jackass), they were trying to build it out of paste and popsicle sticks. I felt bad for them, so Magnus and I tore apart local homes, and donated the pieces to the school. It was cool. Some of the houses even caught fire.

At this point, we ran into Golbez and Ray-Ray again. They were dressed in Women's clothing, and being chased by a mob, and it wasn't any sissy mob, either. I'm talking about the kind with pitchforks and torches. So, Ultra Magnus transforms into the car-carrier mode, and we drive off (another reason why I invited him along). When I asked Golbez and Ray what happened, they said they didn't wanna talk about it.

Police Blotter

· A giant robot ran rampant around Randolph last night. Surviving witnesses say he was stumbling around like he was drunk, tearing apart houses, and that he transformed into a truck that carries cars. Golbez and Ray Lewis are wanted in connection to this. Nobody wants to go after the robot because they fear him, and no charges were filed against Frank, since he's their golden boy, and he can't do anything wrong.

· Frank D'Andrea is to be honored today for his generous donation of building materials to the rebuilding of the high school. In related news, the lynch mob has finally caught up with the governor, who refused to give funding to the school. When asked to comment, Governor Romney said, "I don't care if they couldn't take the MCAS test because their school was wrecked. I'm not giving them funding because they didn't take the MCAS."

· Boston's favorite Chem professor was arrested on Saturday for doing the Funky Chicken without a license.