Adolescent Violence Prevention Page

by Peter Stringham MD

Chapters

Theory and Teenager who Can Handle Himself Well

How to Solve Conflicts without Violence

Bullying, Peers, Gangs, Personal Safety and Dating Violence

Guns, Drugs, Alcohol, and Self Injury

What to do after a fight. Respect anger and feeling enjoyment.

Bullying

Being a bully--if you get away with it--works.  If no one sets a limits on the bullying, being a bully is a seemingly succesful way to live your life.  Torturing another person can make your unhappiness go away.  Bullying is a coping tool that some kids use to solve their probelms--unhappiness, anxiety, poor self-esteem.  Interestingly, many bullies feel that they are victims, so they justify their violence towards other people.  They might justify their violence by saying they are trying to improve the school, or trying to teach the other kid a needed lesson.

Since bullies pick on people they know they can overpower, it's up to adults to stop the bullying.  They need to stop them in two ways: one, by not tolerating any bullying.  Second, by knowing that once the bullying stops, the bullies might become anxious or depressed.  It is probably most succesful to deal with the victims of bullying and to protect them, but one cannot completely ignore the bullies.  For all children, including victims and bullies, parents can teach that every individual is of extremely high value.  Every child needs to be admired by at least a few adults.  It is also helpful for all kids in a school to respect every other kid in the school.

Having a high sense of your own value in the eyes of the universe is a learned skill. 

Be sure the school enforces a policy that there be no bullying or physical fighting in the school. If children say that fights regularly occur on school grounds or that teachers or coaches bully students, parents can talk to school officials. Most fights take place when students congregate without an adult presence...in bathrooms, playgrounds, or empty classrooms. A school that believes fighting among teenagers is ‘normal’ or that winning at any cost are good goals means you may need to speak to the school board, police or local politicians.

Dan Olweus has written an excellent book about bullying in the Scandinavian school system. It is a blueprint for parents and students to stop bullying in their own schools. Dan Olweus, Bullying at School: What we Know and What We Can Do,  Blackwell, Cambridge MA 1992

This is one way to talk to a principal.

 "I am glad we have this chance to talk. My family is generally very pleased with how you, as principal, run this school. I wanted to talk about an attitude that my daughter is bringing home from lacrosse practice. She seems to think that the coach wants them to win at any cost even if it means illegal checking and insulting the kids on the other team. It seems that the coach may pick on some members of the team and scream at them if they make mistakes.

"My daughter loves lacrosse. She didn’t want me to say anything because she feared the coach might begin to attack her; then she might quit the team. ...

"How can we solve this problem? ...I think we can agree that a policy of no bullying and good sportsmanship should be a high priority for this school."

Peer Pressure and Gangs

  Healthy adolescent groups and healthy groups of friends can provide safety, companionship, skills for future economic opportunity and excitement.

Teenagers need to emotionally break away from their parents a bit and experiment with new ideas. Because young teenagers do not yet feel too secure they congregate with other groups of kids. Healthy groups are good for kids. When healthy youth groups do not exist, some teenagers choose groups of kids who are into risky or illegal activity. Teenagers say they join illegal gangs because they want safety, companionship, economic opportunity and excitement. The feeling of safety in a gang is frequently an illusion; any economic opportunity is very short term. The risky or illegal behavior exploits the teenager and will not allow him long term success or happiness.
 

Parents sometimes think "my kid is good and all the other kids are bad, and if all the bad kids weren’t around, my kid would be perfect." This not helpful, because the people who can help are turned into enemies. A child’s friends and parents can be allies of the parents in raising teenagers to be safe and successful. Remember that peer pressure works both ways. Peer pressure can push a child into risky behaviors, but it can also create a caring supportive group which has as its goal wanting good things for children. Teenagers can usually tell if his friends are good for him if they want him to be successful.  

Organized groups for teenagers in the school or community can match teenager’s interests and temperament. Schools, community organizations, synagogues and churches can run good adolescent groups or clubs. Parents can evaluate these clubs to be sure the adults do not allow bullying, do not treat people outside the group as ‘less good’ than the group members. and meet an adolescent’s particular interests and needs for quiet or excitement. The peer pressure of healthy groups can help children grow in more healthy ways.

Beware of any group that says "other people"  or those outside the group don’t deserve to be treated with respect or decency. Those groups will not teach the lesson that each teenager is valuable and that all other people they meet are, in ultimate scheme of things, equally valuable. Those groups may teach your child the Saturday morning cartoon view of the world that you cannot resolve conflict with the "others" without using meanness or violence.

If a community does not have a wide variety of programs where teenagers can congregate and be supervised and guided by sensible adults who teach good skills and good values, youth and parents can band together and suggest a range of youth groups. Local politicians may want to assist groups that help young people develop into healthy non violent adults.

Personal Safety

    ARE YOU SAFE? Give yourself 0 points for a., 1 point for each b., and 2 points for each c.

1.  Where in your town can you hang out?  
      a. Many areas where teenagers hang out supervised by responsible adults.  
     b. Some areas where teenagers can hang out. 
     c. Few areas where teenagers can hang out with responsible adults. 

2.  Is there alcohol or drugs at teenage parties?  
      a. No drugs or alcohol at teenage parties. 
     b. Some drugs and alcohol at teenage parties. 
     c. Alcohol and drugs at many teenage parties. 

3.  Are parents around when friends are at your house?  
      a. Responsible adults are present when my friends are in my house. 
     b. Friends are frequently over when parents are not at home. 
     c. Uninvited teenagers sometimes come over when my parents are not home. 

4.  How do you walk around in your town?  
     a. I usually walk in groups in the day in a known neighborhood. 
     b. I will walk in groups at night in a strange, but well lit neighborhood. 
     c. I will walk alone at night in a strange neighborhood or in the dark. 

5.  Do you hitchhike?  
      a. I don't hitchhike. 
     b. I only hitchhike with a friend and only accept rides from someone I know. 
     c. I feel comfortable hitchhiking alone, and I will ride with anyone. 

 These questions are about safety in your school   
6.  Does your school allow bullying? 
     a. Bullying and fighting are not allowed in the school or after school. 
      b. Teachers use hard discipline to get kids to follow directions. 
     c. Attitude of school is that fights are normal and it is best not to intervene.  

7.  What kind of plan does your school have after a fight? 
     a. My school has a plan by school for students who have been caught fighting—clear consequences and counseling. 
      b. My school might have a plan for students who fight or who are caught with weapons. 
     c. My school does not have any plan for teens who fight in school.  

8.  Any antiviolence curriculum in your school?  
     a. Comprehensive antiviolence courses and peer mediation. 
     b. Some antiviolence training. 
     c. No school program to address violence or bullying  

9.  Are adults in places in the school where students congregate? 
     a. Regular adult presence in all areas of school where teenagers congregate. 
     b. Some adults in the locker rooms, bathrooms, halls and empty classrooms. 
     c. No adult presence in many areas of the school.

 SAFE  (0 to 3 points) You are either pretty lucky or know how to handle yourself pretty well. You are at low risk for violence.

SOME RISK  (4-8 points) Look at some areas where you can improve your safety. Why live in fear?

UNSAFE  (9+ points) You are putting yourself in harm's way for no good reason. Look over the list to see ways to make yourself less likely to be a victim of violence.
 
Adolescents want to appear brave and cool in front of their parents and friends, but fighting is upsetting for most people, and robbery is humiliating and infuriating. Remember, you are brave to remain cool headed while there is a risk of injury. However, it is not normal to stay cool after you are safe. Being brave refers only to the time when you are at risk.

Safe behavior in one situation is risky behavior in another. Breaking up a fight between friends in a school corridor may be safe, but breaking up a fight between strangers in a bar may be dangerous. Teenagers should know that alcohol and other drugs, arguments, and firearms make normally safe environments more dangerous.

You are the best judge of your own community, but parents may have a few rules. Teenagers should not be out after dark alone. They should try to get away from places where there is drinking or drug use. Parents and teenagers should make a contract with each other.  For example:

 
"If there is drinking you (the teenager) can call me (the parent) and I will come and get you wherever you are. If you are around a gun tell them, ‘My parents would be very upset if they knew I was here,’ and leave."

Advice about a robbery:

"I want to talk to you about how to handle a robbery. If someone comes up to you and wants your shirt, think how much more valuable you are than your shirt, or jacket or wrist watch or any money in your wallet. Try to keep calm until you are safe. Don't put yourself down and don't put the other person down. Make sure you do nothing that will make you get hurt, so don't fight them. They might have a weapon or some friends. Even though you are beginning to feel mad, keep your cool and treat the other person as decently as possible. Give then what they want and then get away. The police can get them later, and it is good to get upset later when you are safe. Remember, ‘Which is more valuable? You and your body or some material object?'"

Dating Violence

Teenage girls and boys face another source of violence--abuse or coercion in a dating relationship. They may be forced to behave in certain ways or forced to have sex. Sometimes they are physically or emotionally abused by their boyfriends or girlfriends. Teenagers can learn to protect themselves from coercive or abusive dating relationships.

No teenagers want a coercive or abusive relationship. Everyone deserves respect support and love. If there is coercion or abuse, love dies and is replaced by fear. The coercing partners also lose. They lose the respect, support and love of the person they are controlling.

While dating, adolescents practice building healthy love relationships. Most adults understand the value of a love relationship based on mutual respect, trust and an equal sharing of decisions. This means that relationships based on coercion are less healthy and should be avoided.

Some teenage boys act in a coercive way because they think they are "supposed to" as a sign of love. Others are coercive or abusive because they are bullies in a love relationship. Bullies enjoy pushing other people around because it makes them feel powerful. Unfortunately, girls often hit boys when they are dating. (35-50% of girls hit boys and 20-35% of boys hit girls). Because of their strength boys hurt girls more than girls hurt boys. Communities and schools should take a clear stand against relationships where one person controls and forces another person to conform to the more powerful partner. Similarly communities should teach all people not to hit the other person to solve a relationship problem.

It is hard for a parent to know if his child is being exploited. If a teenager is afraid of anyone, that’s abnormal. Love relationships do not include rude talk, meanness, telling people what to do or lots of jealousy. If a relationship is very coercive or at all abusive, your teenager may all your support. You may even need a legal retraining order to stop the abuse. Be careful of calling the police, since they often assume only boys can be abusive.

Is it Coercion or Abuse?

Parents, adults or older teenagers should talk to younger teenagers before they date. The following is for a young girl, but it can be adapted for boys.

 "When you begin to date try to go out in groups if you don’t know a boy well. And have a back up plan. You can call your parents or another relative who will go and get you from anywhere with no questions asked.

"Have you ever known a girl whose boyfriend told her what to wear, where she could or couldn’t go or who her friends could be? Why do you think some guys do that? Some boys are told that they are supposed to act like that. Others do it because it makes them feel stronger. It is upsetting because sometimes it starts a cycle where as the girl get more and more afraid, the boy starts to increase his abuse.

 "What would to tell your girlfriend if her boyfriend were like that? What if he lost him temper and really hurt her feelings? What if he hit her?  I think if a boy screamed at a girl and hurt her feelings but she wasn’t afraid and wanted to give the relationship another chance, she should wait until she calms down and say, "If you are upset and tell me you are upset, I will try to help you. If you are upset and attack me, I will leave you." If it ever happened again, then she should leave. Does that seem like something you could do?

"I never want you in any relationship where another person hurts you. By that I mean if a man attacks you verbally or physically, tries to make you do things that are not his decisions to make, follows you around, acts really jealous, or acts like he has to be the one in control of the relationship. Those relationships can never allow love to  last. We will help you get away from a relationship like that. "

  The previous section talked about teenagers who are coerced or pushed around by their partners. According to some studies more girls hit boys than boys hit girls. (30-50% for girls hitting boys vs. 20-35% for boys hitting girls). Unfortunately boys injure girls more than girls injuring boys. (8% vs. 4%).

Boys and girls need to learn how get their needs met without becoming coercive. A "coercive" date is also known as a jerk!  Boys and girls need clear expectations about how to act around each other because their friends and the media may be giving them poor advice. They also need clear messages from the school and community that abuse and people forcing their partners to do what they say is unacceptable and just mean.

It is a good idea for girls to read this page too, for they can become jealous, demanding and coercive also—with the same bad outcomes. This page is written as if the boy is the one who needs the lesson, but some girls need the same message.

 "If someone enters into a relationship and begins to control his partner's actions—telling her how to behave or where she can go, he may lose the very thing he wants from a relationship. In a love relationship you deserve respect, support and love. If a man creates any fear he will get distrust and  emotional distance. Love dies. Sooner or later he will lose the respect, friendship and love of the woman. Dating is practice for relationships when you are older. I don't expect you to end up with the first girl you fall in love with, but I want you to act respectfully and decently to anyone you date.

 "What would you do if you hurt your girlfriend's feelings, she got mad and slapped you?...When you calm down you could tell her, "If I ever hurt your feelings or you get upset, you can talk to me. No one hits me ever! If you are upset tell me and I will try to help you. If you attack me, I will leave you." Do you think that would feel right for you?"

"Most thinking adults don't want you to have sex with anyone when you are still a teenager, but I hope you will marry some day. Sex can be a good part of your life, but if a man starts abusing a woman, forcing her to have sex when she doesn't want to, screaming at her in public or swearing at her, that woman will not trust the man especially in bed. She cannot relax there, and he won't be able to please her in bed. He will have turned himself into a bad lover. That's sad. When it comes to sex, a trusting, caring relationship is the most important thing. That also includes safe sex. Risky sexual behavior shows you don't really care about a girl, and there is no reason a girl should have sex with you unless you practice safe sex."

"You will see some strange things in this world. One hard situation is seeing a girl get hit or treated badly by her boyfriend. What would you think of a guy who saw your sister or cousin get hit and just stood by while that happened? What do you think a guy should do? Every girl is someone's cousin or sister.. Of course it depends on the situation. You may need to call the police if you don't know the couple and it looks dangerous. If you know the guy, you might want to say something to him, either at the time or later. If you see someone getting hurt and you don't say or do anything, you can feel guilty later."

Macho sometimes gets a bad name, but true 'machismo' has qualities that are worth admiring. Notice that there is no violence in the true macho man.    DEFINITION OF MACHO ("Macha" could be similar) 1. He who is dignified 2. He who is protector 3. He who is responsible 4. He who is nurturing 5. He who is spiritual 6. He who is faithful 7. He who is respectful 8. He who is friendly 9. He who is caring 10. He who is sensitive 11. He who is trustful 12. He who provides

(Reprinted from Youth Today, 9/97 According to Los Compadres, Klein Bottle Youth Program, Santa Maria, CA)

 For teenagers who are gay or bisexual they can be can be either an abuser or a victim in an abusive relationship. Straight, gay or bisexual, participating in a coercive or abusive relationship is bad for any teenager and adults and friends should try to help them get out of it.

In a recent Boston Study 25% of gay men had experienced abuse in a love relationship at some time in their life. Thus it doesn't seem that gay or lesbian teenagers have any fundamentally different issues when it comes to being coerced or abused. However, they may be more isolated in their unhappiness. When you read the other sections on Dating Violence understand that any man or woman could be the abuser or the abused.

The one major difference is that although gay and lesbian teenagers need sane adult friends who they can talk to about problems that arise in their dating relationships just like straight teenagers, they may have more trouble finding those sensible advisors to talk to.