Adolescent Violence Prevention Page

by Peter Stringham MD

Chapters

Theory and Teenager who Can Handle Himself Well

How to Solve Conflicts without Violence

Bullying, Peers, Gangs, Personal Safety and Dating Violence

Guns, Drugs, Alcohol, and Self Injury

What to do after a fight. Respect anger and feeling enjoyment.

How to Solve Conflicts without Violence

Words of Caution

 SOME WORDS OF CAUTION FOR PARENTS OR COUNSELORS
   BEFORE TALKING WITH TEENAGERS ABOUT VIOLENCE

All ADVICE needs to be tailored to an individual.

It is bad advice to suggest to an aggressive child that he be assertive and always stand up for himself. He can easily hear the message that reinforces his own tendencies toward violence.

It may be bad advice to suggest to an easily frightened child that he always leave when he first begins to feel fear. He may hear that 'he can never talk with someone who is upset.'

Blanket advice will never work, but I assume that those who are reading this have a relationship with the people to whom they are giving suggestions or advice.

Having said that here are some other words of caution.
 

 1. THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN BELIEFS AND EXPERIENCES WITH VIOLENCE  Many people may have an unconscious admiration for a violent media heroes like Dirty Harry, James Bond, Rambo, or even Power Rangers. You may also have experienced a situation where violence was frightening or handled poorly. Review your own attitudes to remember that non violent assertive behavior is one of the things that older teenagers probably do better than younger teenagers even if you wish you could handle things even better. You may need to acknowledge that your own handling of conflict non violently is one of your best attributes.
 
 
 2. DO NOT CREATE FEAR
Many teenagers already have a fear of violence that may not be realistic. They feel vulnerable, and need to feel safer. Your advice should be given in a manner that helps teenagers feel more in control and really safer without resorting to the illusion that their own violence will protect them. Active, engaging non violence is not always safe, but it is safer than violence. Sometimes teenagers need to pay attention to their fear and get away; this is healthy fear. However I have known of doctors who took teenagers into emergency rooms to show them how life threatening gun shots could be. They pointed out the real dangers of guns and knives. After one weekend that pointed out the danger of gun injuries to inner city teenagers, some of the teenagers were so frightened, they went out and bought guns to "protect themselves."  
 
 3. HANDLING THE CONFLICT NON VIOLENTLY MEANS HANDLING THE CONFLICT
 Conflicts need to be settled. Non violent problem solving does not mean avoiding all conflict. It does not mean lying down passively and being a victim. Resolving conflicts without violence or bullying takes clear headedness, creativity and often courage.
 
 "Just say no to violence" is not enough. You don’t want a teenager you are counseling to become a victim. You want him to resolve conflicts.  Maybe he did something rude to the other person. He has to learn how to apologize. Maybe the other person only thinks he said something rude. A teenager has to learn to treat the angry and potentially violent person calmly and respectfully.
 

 
4. FIRST ESTABLISH A CARING RELATIONSHIP
Don't give out advice to anyone without first establishing a caring relationship. The best advice in the world will sound preachy and rude, if the person giving the advice does not really care about the person they are talking to. To give advice it helps to really hear where the other person is coming from first. (I hope this web page will be useful to you despite my lack of understanding where many of you are coming from. Know that this is the advice I give to my patients and their parents--many of whom I have known since the teenagers were born.)

5. DON'T ADVISE A KID TO STAY AND TALK IF HE FEELS FEAR OR A LOT OF ANGER

Human beings usually feel fear for a good reason. A teenager may think he is safe, but he may begin to feel fear when part of him notices dangerous signs that he is not completely aware of. Unless a particular teenager is usually afraid of everything, he should pay attention to his fear and walk away. Similarly small amounts of anger don't have to cloud your judgement, but a lot of anger keeps a person from thinking clearly and makes a fight more likely. Teenagers who tend to be 'hot headed' need to leave a situation if they think they will lose their tempers.

How to Get Started

If you are counseling a teenager about violence whether you are a teenager, a parent or a counselor, here are some suggested ways to discuss it.

Please note: Counseling a teenager or anyone else means that you have a caring relationship with that person. Telling people that you don't really like how they "ought" to live their lives is rude.

In other words, everything that I might suggest that a parent, teacher or teen counselor might say is worthless without a caring person saying it. That person can adapt the advice to the particular individual.

 
 "It is hard for me to bring up the subject of violence, but it is on television a lot. I want to let you know that if you are worried about violence in young people, I am too. Do you ever feel unsafe at school on in the streets? Have any of your friends ever been hurt or attacked? What Happened?... I care about you and want you to be safe. I’m not sure my ideas are the best advice for what you face, but I’d like to discuss them with you, and you can see if they make sense to you."

A teenager or counselor might just say the lines,  "I’m not sure my ideas are the best advice for what you face, but I’d like to discuss them with you, and you can see if they make sense to you."

Solve Conflicts Non-Violently

                  THIS IS HOW TO DO IT !

If a child feels afraid he should pay attention to that emotion, even if he doesn’t understand his fear, and get away from the situation. 

Similarly, if a child begins to lose his temper, he cannot think clearly and he should leave the situation. 

If a child does not have fear, and has not lost his temper, he might be able to try to handle the conflict non-violently.

1. Understand that potential fighters are upset—by a situation or by other things in their life. A physical fight is an attempt to "solve the problem"—to reduce their anger or feel better by fighting with someone. Also some people enjoy fighting even if they lose.  

 2. Certain Phrases can cause or "trigger" fights.
        insulting a person  
        making fun of, or disrespecting him  
        swearing 
        talking about family members  
        racial or ethnic slurs 

 3. To handle conflicts well, don't allow yourself to get angry in the midddle of the conflict. When you know the "triggers" for fighting are in the air, keep yourself calm. Interpret the "triggers" for what they are—requests by the aggressor that you solve the conflict by fighting because that is what he thinks will work best.  

 4. Remember that you are a high value human being and that in the greater scheme of things the person trying to fight is also a high value human being.   

 5. Continually reassess the situation.  
  Do you feel afraid?  
  Can you calm this person down?  
  Can you talk to the decent side of him?  
  Do you need help?  
  Do you need to get away because the aggressor cannot listen to you now?  

6. Connect with and speak to the decent side of the aggressor.  
 Treat the insulting aggressor with respect without becoming a victim.  
 The attitude is more important than the words.  
 Connect with the aggressor. Treat all people you meet like a cousin. 
 Ask what he wants or ask why he is acting this way towards you, and ask what he wants. (He may have some way to solve the disagreement non violently.)
 Listen to him, try to understand his side of the problem.  
 State your understanding of the problem.  
 Communicate with him and treat him decently.  
 All the time keep yourself calm and don’t meet anger with anger. When you are  feeling furious, it is very hard for you to think clearly and communicate.  

7. Sometimes you cannot reason with a person you are talking to. If a person is too upset or high or if you begin to feel fear or anger, you may have to walk away.  

    Be an Example

One of a parent’s worst fears is that a child is injured by someone else in a street fight. If a teenager can avoid and walk away from potential fights he will be safer, but he may not always be able to walk away. A teenager who is taunted, treated rudely, sworn at and essentially begged to fight especially in front of his friends, needs to be able to keep his own anger calmed down, think clearly about why the aggressor is treating him this way and reach out to talk to the decent side of the aggressor. He must listen to the real problem that the aggressor has and try to redefine the conflict and offer compromises both sides can live with. He needs to keep his own self respect and respect the aggressor. At the same time he needs to calm down other people on both sides who are trying to instigate a fight. These are learned skills, but they are difficult for most people to learn, but with practice anyone can learn them.

It is a myth that only ‘bad’ kids cause fights. It is true that a small percent of teenagers cause most of the fights in a school, but normal kids can cause a fight if they spread rumors, encourage other kids to fight, show up at a place to watch a fight or tell their friends they will ‘help them out’ if they get into a trouble with a fight.

There is a clear connection between violence in the home and violence on the streets. Families give messages to children about how to handle conflict out of the home. Parents can show children how they handle situations that make them angry in non violent ways.

 "Our neighbor keeps letting his dog do his business on our lawn. That makes me furious...(Before you become furious or after you have calmed down...on the telephone to your neighbor) Jack, how are you? ...How’s the new lawnmower?...Speaking of lawns, I’m having a problem with mine and hoped you could help me out. Your dog has chosen our side yard as his favorite place to relieve himself, and it has really become a problem...I wonder what will work for both of us?"

 If siblings are fighting... "The rule in this house is ‘NO HURTING ANYONE.’ This house is supposed to be the safest place on the earth for everyone who lives here. If anyone needs someone to help solve a disagreement I will help, but I will not tolerate any pushing or shoving ever!  When you are both calmed down figure out how both of you can work this out."(It usually takes about half an hour for the emotion of anger or fury to dissipate, so they may need to leave each other alone until then.)

Even when watching televised sports think how casual badmouthing of players and coaches sounds to children. Do parents want their children treating people rudely in person? Parents and other adults can model keeping calm despite frustration, dealing with problems in a calm non violent manner.

Clearly having adolescents hang around in environments where responsible adults tolerate no fighting, bullying or coercion is the safest thing for teenagers, but sometimes they will not be in those supervised places. Further, one cannot solve all problems by avoiding conflict.

One cannot avoid all conflicts. Avoidance does not resolve problems. Adolescents need your help to learn the skills most adults practice in the workplace. You don’t want to let a situation get to the point where the aggressor becomes very angry. We all need a strategy to deal the conflict when it is right in our face.

How to Teach It

  You can talk to teenagers--

 "I want to talk to you about handling fighting. I care about you and don’t ever want you hurt, I want to tell you things that I do that might help you get out of a fight. No kid wants to be a victim, but that does not mean he has to fight.

"It is best to settle a disagreement before an argument starts. After a physical fight, people are hurt, want revenge and sometimes get their friends involved, so settling the disagreement becomes harder after a fight..

"Most people who get near the point where they want to fight are upset--maybe because of you, or probably it has nothing to do with you.
     They might be high on alcohol or some other kind of drug.
     They start to use triggers that will make you begin to get angry--talking about your family, swearing, insulting you, using racial slurs.

"When you hear those ‘triggers’ don’t even begin to get angry. Keep your calmness, and keep your courage. Think that "This guy is upset and wants to use fighting to solve this conflict." Ask yourself
     Why is he trying to fight me? Is this anything to do with me?
     Is he high and therefore harder to talk to?
       Is he armed?
     If there is any danger to me or my friends, do I just have to walk away from this situation?

"Also remember that almost everyone you meet has a decent side. You can sometimes reach the decent side and communicate with him. The attitude is more important than the words. You should feel like you are talking to a friend who is upset and wants to calm down.
     Assure him that you are not out to get him or planning to fight him.
     Tell him you don’t want to fight him or that you don’t want to settle this issue with fighting
     Ask him what he is upset about? Apologize if you did something that offended the other person.

"The words can sound like,
·"I have nothing against  you....
· I don’t want to have anything against you later....
· This is not worth fighting about.
·  If you have a problem with me I’ll talk to you about it, but I won’t fight you about this. ...
· We can settle this by talking when we are both calmed down..
· I’ll get in trouble with my parents if I fight.".

"If you cannot talk to him, then get away as best you can. People who don’t think fight. I want you to think first."

OR

"Think about talking to the decent side of bullies. Don’t allow yourself to become a victim in your own mind.  If a bully wanted money to buy a soda off you and started to bully you for it in front of his friends, you might say. "I’ll help you today out, if you’ll promise to help me out tomorrow. I’ll buy you a soda today if you promise to buy me one tomorrow. I won’t help you out today if you won’t help me tomorrow." The best way to defeat an enemy is to turn him into a friend."

This stuff is not impossible, but I never said it would be easy!