Warning Labels Due to Modern Physics.

As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer
the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible professionals and science
enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will
mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our
suggested list of required warnings follows.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per
Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist
Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim
to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This
Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.