A Mad Scientist Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, 
I still need to locate my husbandıs clean socks...
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.

When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt, 
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask, 
I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask.

I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.
Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
³Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, Iım Hanta Claus!²
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
³Did you bring all of these germies for me?²
³Oh yes,² said Hanta, ³I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, Iım saving society.
³You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore Iım glad to oblige who it pleases.²

Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a yearıs stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.

The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!

At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
³Thanks for the presents,² I said, shaking his hand,
³Theyıll keep me off the streets, you understand.²

Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting ³Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!²
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)

Hark! the Streptococcus brings 
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesnıt cure it
Other peopleıs sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.

Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease

Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O Humid Night
(Melody: O Holy Night)

O Humid Night
Anopheline mosquitoes
Are circling you in the hope of a meal.
She takes a bite, saliva from her mouthparts
Drool parasites which you canıt see or feel

Trophozoites become merozoites
Schizonts nest inside your red blood cells

Fall on your knees, 
Pale, burning with fever
Plasmodia
Are in your blood, were in your spleen
Malaria
Thereıs no real cure, just in your dreams...

Your brain can get sick,
You will have a coma
After the rage and the headaches have passed
Youıre veggie soup, home to protozoa,
Mosquito lands, time to go home at last..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O Tetanus
(Melody:  O Christmas Tree)

O Tetanus, O Tetanus
You little soil bacillus
O Tetanus O Tetanus
Gram positive rod that kills us


Clostridium, flagellar ³tail²
I found you on a rusty nail

O Tetanus, O Tetanus
Tetanospasmin bearing
O Tetanus, O Tetanus
This time of year Iım sharing

I cannot move
My jaws are locked
My back is arched
Iım stiff with shock

O Tetanus, O Tetanus
A lovely gift for Christmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hanta Claus Is Coming To Town
(Melody: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better watch out
Iım telling you why
A virus will get you
Youıre gonna die
Hanta Claus is coming to town.

Heıs got these cute little mice
So fuzzy and sweet
Watch out not to breathe 
Just when they excrete
Hanta Claus is coming to town

He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when youıre in pain
He knows if youıve been throwing up
So for goodness sake donıt faint

Your blood pressureıs up
Your head really hurts
That rash makes it hard to put on your shirt
Hanta Claus is coming to town.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: Away in a Manger)

Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankindıs greatest foe

Itıs easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night

Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Will You Catch What I Have?

(Melody: Do You Hear What I Hear)

*

Said the scientist to the little child,
Will you catch what I have?
In this glass pipette, little child,
Will you catch what I have?
The flu, the flu, this virus will like you
It will make you turn dark blue
It will make you turn dark blue.

Said the little child to his family,
Will you catch what I have?
Coursing through my blood, my dear kin,
Will you catch what I have?
Bubonic plague, the septicemic kind
You will die and you won't even mind
You will die and you won't even mind.

Said the father to the neighbor man,
Will you catch what I have?
Growing in my skin, neighbor man,
Will you catch what I have?
Leprosy, covering my rump
Now my skin falls off in clumps
Now my skin falls off in clumps.

Said the neighbor to the people of the town,
Will you catch what I have?
Spread disease, people everywhere!
Will you catch what I have?
Gas gangrene, stinking in the night
It will kill us with all of its might
It will kill us with all of its might.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~