The Haji Chronicles III: The Last Adventure of Haji
Introduction
This story is one of a recently happy-go-lucky, ordinary guy caught up in
the intrigue with the big guys wearing shades. It takes you from friendly
Moobak to the beautiful tree of Yogooby to the depths of the Nozama Elgnuj,
and even to the evil wastelands of Haroojija. So fasten your seatbelts,
kiddies, because you don't want to get into an accident!!!! Also, if this
story and other ones of the Haji chronicles seem totally and utterly
bizarre and confusing, too bad!
Chapter I: Decision
After receiving the highly strived for "Best Repairman/Policeman" award, I
received even more money than I did for the IMRMAS GMRJA one. Now I had 3
ju-hi-bers! Holy! Holy! Holy anchovy! For the sake of convenience, I
shall recall the previous story in which a ju-hi-ber in M is 18 pentillion,
446 quaddrillion, 744 trillion, 73 billion, 709 million, 551 thousand, 616
million dollars. Pretty much, eh? Oh yeah, and M was the random language
of English in M. Now, we're all caught up. Continuing, I decided to take
a well deserved vacation to the planet of Yogooby. Yes, THAT Yogooby, the
one that has a tree on it. The one with the BIG tree on it. I made
reservations with the Interstellar Travel Agency for Famous Award Winning
Megawave Repairmen (like usual).
Chapter II: Reservations
Let's see, here, where was that electro-television viewing phone machine
number? Oh yeah, 1-900- GOTO-YOGOOBY. Now, the ever troublesome phone
answering person picks up.
"What do you want, mean and ugly person?" Said the kind lady at the other
end of the phone.
"Well, I'd like to order tickets for Yogooby." I even kindlier replied.
"Yeah, yeah, you're Hajizeeblahblahblah Fampiblahblah, right?"
"You got it, kind lady at end of phone!"
"Well, you want the usual, right lovely and adoring sir? Stir-fried haw
flakes with white rabbit candy. Window seat, and 1/4 class service."
"Well, no, this time I'll splurge on myself and have stir-fried beef jerky
with silly noodles. Yes, a window seat, and 1/6, heck, 1/12 class service.
Along with the toy planes and coloring books with the nice pictures of the
pilot." All I heard at the other end was an "Oooooh!!!" of amazement, and
">Click<" without the inequality symbols. I waited for a little bit and
twiddled the ol' thumboroos.
Chapter III: Ticket
After twiddling for a couple weeks, the ticket came. The ticket was brown
and yellow and said my name on it. It also had big hunks of metal sticking
out of it. I supposed those were for I.D. and certification. It said I
had to go yesterday. So, you know, I rushed pretty fast.
Chapter IV: Rushing
I ran as fast as I could in my interstellar laserjet. Finally, after
waiting for what seemed like a week, it was yesterday! So, I got to the
plane in time, and then I was off to Yogooby with the tree.
Chapter V: Yogooby
The plane landed nice and softly like an electron, splitting a proton.
Everything was going right this time. My vacation in Yogooby. No one to
bother me. No monsters, no weight lifters, no Frosted Flake obsessives.
Life was good. After I got off the plane, I entered the airport and got my
baggage. Even that was going good. It was only about the third to last
one to be emptied out. Maybe you've noticed that as well as I have that
your bags are always the last ones out. Every single time. Maybe I'll
write a thesis on this called the "Last Baggage at the Airport" theory.
Interesting, maybe I'll dabble a little in Kepler's Fourth Law of
Elliptical baggage orbits which could cause the centrifufugal force of the
spinner thing on an airport emptier to force your bags out, or just maybe
because of the laws of causality, you cannot break this, and there is
nothing to be explained. Oh well. As I was walking out the airport after
I claimed by bags, I spotted 3.2 alagoobs just lying on the ground in a big
heap. How lucky I was! Yes, I'm sure you can relate to such an
experience! I pocketed my alagoobs quite carefully. Proceeding, I called
my resident staying area to make sure that I had a nice little room. (Hold
on while I'm calling...)
It is so! How wondrous it is when you are rich and a bachelor! I feel so
Hidy-Ho good that I just have to sing. "From the revenge of Moctezuuuma,
to the Coors of Triple-A, we will unite our countries ca-a-ttles,
la-lala-la-la-la-laaaa" Thank you! Thank you! Okay, back to my wonderful
little adventure (hey, the introduction gave it away already, ok? Ok
wonderful author!). Actually, I really couldn't believe I made it this far
without battling the evil forces which so pervade our real-life society of
today (Half- quoted from an amoeba). So, I went to the other wing of the
airport, and there was my room. It was exactly right to fit my body shape.
Molded to the ee-ee. Wow! I exclaimed in surprise! This sure looks like
a comfy little room. Others were dozing around me in their little plastic
habitat. I went in to the plastic. After the top half of the plastic mold
was inserted over me, I exclaimed the following things "Mmmt, Eee, mmoout
mmf eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrvvvvee." Recognizing those words, the machine lifted
the top off and I was free again. Darned, that was uncomfortable! I
didn't know that this little Island was really that small. Well, as you
are wishing to know how the tree looked, I then proceeded to visit it.
Chapter VI: Tree of Yogooby
I walked into the center of the island of Yogooby which contained the tree.
In other words, the center of the airport. There were only two things on
the island. The airport, and the tree. Nothing else. Well, obviously the
tree was quite a sight! It was at least 3.1 zoxojobbers in height, with a
circumfrence of cake times 5.252 ocabies. You betcha! That's a height of
about 652,301,391.5892/.267 miles and a circumfrence of pi times 626.111
sound years! Yup, that was big for you! It's mountainous width and height
awestruck us all, and filled a void in our hearts and minds that had
hitherto not been filled, as well as many people cursing at the sight of
that work of art, God's creation to us all, the legendary, almost mythical
tree of Yogooby. It was probably treated with humongous fertilizer, and
the owner of the island probably grossed over 262.266831 alagoobs per
Kool-Tamad. But it was cool, so who cares? After I recovered from the
magnificent creation of nature, I, like all else, silently walked back to
the plane to take another flight.
Chapter VII: Mean Guys Take Me!
As my dazed self walked back toward the plane to fly home, I was
strongarmed by a couple of agents that looked like they worked for the MIU.
I could not resist. They had really STRONG ARMS! One of them whispered
into my ears something which I understood not, but I quietly obeyed them
because they also told me that they would give me a noogie if I didn't
cooperate. They blindfolded me, but I could see through it anyway. It was
not tied very well in a nice, and concealing way, and I could see the
ground, as they guided me along the airport. I heard a few sounds of
grinding metal against rock, and electronic whoo-googies that make whirring
sounds. One of them I believed to be an electromagnetic secret door which
had motion detectors and measured length of stride and degree of shadiness
in shades. I guessed these but am sure I am right. Anyway, I was
continually being led in a mazelike fashion, left and right, right and
left, elevators, escalators, all sorts of confusing things. Then, finally,
when I believed we were in an underground cave dug out by early workers in
the late year of 3, I was led into a vehicle. I believed it to be a
helicoptorical contraption with armored plating and three phantom missiles
with radar heat sensing guidance system, and other neat guns. I was pushed
in roughly, although I'm sure affectionately, and then, without a word
being spoken, we were flying up in the air, up, up, up, up, etc.
Chapter VIII: Ponder Time Mon
Now, as I was being taken across the big blue sea, I wondered why they
wanted me, and if they intended to hurt me. I thought back, across the
depths of the space-time continium which we all live, and thought about
what I could have possibly done to make these guys, the MIU, want me.
Well, as you know, I'm not too good at thinking, and doing so doesn't help
very much either, so, I just sat back, and felt good about myself. I
shouldn't have.
Chapter IX: Landing Time
All of a sudden, I felt a sudden jolt, and the feeling of nausea. I
suppose this was because we were diving, as much so in a helicoptor sense
as possible. I guessed that we were going to land now. I was right. I
noticed a bright flash of light occur, and then something closing, and the
air of a secluded place around myself. Shivers went up my spine at this
moment. For I knew this was the secret hideout of the MIU. Nobody knew
exactly where, but everyone knew that it was somewhere within the depths of
Nozama Elgnuj...
Chapter X: Nozama Elgnuj
In the ancient year of 2.32162, my ancestor, Orujeekaboo Elgnuj went with a
certain Toyabracko Nozama on an exploring expedition sent out by the
Kevinest Khaner, His Majesty Himself. The Highness had visions, those of a
majestically beautiful place set out in the middle of the Maro. He knew
not where the Maro was, or even if it actually existed, but because of his
psychotic self, he decided to send Elgnuj and Nozama, two of his loyalist
nobles on an expedition. He could describe vividly what the land that lay
before him was. A royal artist drew of his descriptions, and the Kevinest
Khaner approved when they looked like his visions. Then, Elgnuj exclaimed,
"Impkposskible! Succkkhh a plaise like dees cood nehchver exist on ze
faice of Mooobaacchk!". The Lord said but nothing, and they were sent to
leave. Later, Nozama asked why there could never be a place like dis.
Elgnuj replied, "Vy vould zere be succhkkh a plaice licchkke dis, so small,
and air-brushed too!". Nozama didn't stay too close to Elgnuj for the rest
of the time they were there. Anyway, they went exploring on the ships of
long ago, looking, looking, ever for a clue to where this place could be.
They discovered many other places, but none that even looked remotely of
the beauty of Nozama Elgnuj. Then, one day, on another, almost fruitless
day, they saw it. It was grand and magnificent! It was covered in a globe
of semi-spherical shape, with colors abounding, and gaity pervading through
the air. After the two explorers and nobles exchanged high-fives, they
steered their ship toward the island, and docked. A cute little fuzzball
saw their activity, and got his friends to meet them. They were smiley
little guys, but, being instructed to take over the island for the King to
see, they eagerly destroyed the little pests. However, when just one of
the little fuzzballs got smooshed, a huge explosion happened and the once
beautiful island became dull and lifeless. This, now, is the island named
after our fellows Elgnuj and Nozama . This, now, is their tragedy. It is
said that they killed themselves after this incident, because then their
King would get mad!
Chapter XI: Present-Time Nozama Elgnuj
They took off my blindfold, and as I guessed, it was Nozama Elgnuj, ( hey,
do you think I'd spend a whole chapter on history that didn't pertain to
this story, no, of course not!) even more putrid and reeking than in my
wildest dreams. For this was once the legendary and beautiful place where
my ancestor had seen? I sure felt sorry for him at that moment. They led
me out of the helicoptor, and took me along several passageways until I was
led into a room full of white objects. Everything was white. There was
also an eerie light that filled the room, so that objects had no shadow
anywhere, yet were bright. That also confused me much, and I bumped into
several objects. It was the perfect camouflage, have the same exact color,
and no shadow to recognize anything by! Well, I very soon colored the room
with some pieces of gum I had on my shoe. I was told, "Don't leave or else
you will be blown to smithereens!" by one of the agents wearing Ray-Ban
sunglasses and a nice suit. Being the intelligent and curious being that I
must be, I, having no freedom, decided, "I must leave, for it is my will!".
But, also being cautious and careful, first opened the door and stood
aside, BAM!, just kidding, there was no gun! Do you think there would be
violence in this sort of story? No! The author is thoroughly against it!
I then guessed that that fed man was just trying to trick me. Anyway, I
sneaked out. To my surprise, no one was in the hallways. I didn't know
where to go, so I just walked around, listening to doors. One of the doors
that I eavesdropped on had this conversation in the goings on:
MIU agent: "Yes, sir, it was a slice of banana-cake!"
Master Guy: "Gooood, 376, I am elated at that news!"
376: "Thank you, sir! What are we to do with him?"
Master Guy: "Well, the original cause of course, give him to the Monster
People"
376: "Mo - monster people? Gee, don't you think that's a little un-swell?"
Master Guy: "376, 376, it is not your business to KNOW what's going on.
You just DO IT!"
376: "Yes, master guy, sir!"
As I heard him leave, I immediately jumped into a room. Fortunately, it
was just a closet (amazing luck, eh?). After his footsteps died away, I
went back to hear what was going on. As you could guess, I was pretty
scared!
Master Guy: "...with a Banjo on my knee, and..., oh, Hi! Col. Poupon!
Yes?"
Mustard Man: "I just received word from the Monster People, they are ready
for the bumbling idiot, Hajiman"
My last hopes for it being someone else were gone, I could only do one thing.
Chapter XII: RRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
I followed the best way I could back to the exit. However, on my way, I
was suprisingly tapped on the shoulder. Gosh-darned it, I cursed. But my
fears were for naught! It was an old man, telling me to follow him. He
ran fast, for an old guy, and at a wall I hadn't noticed before at the end
of a hallway, he ran in! I guessed I had better do so too, and so I
jumped, expecting to thump ridiculously against the wall. Instead, I slid
down a short chute, and was in a secret room.
Chapter XIII: The Secret Room
The secret room which I lay in then surprised me. However, you may ask,
was the dudely Hajiman afraid? But of course not! How could I be, when,
my only chance of survival beyond this merest thing which we call life
wouldst have otherwise ended. I trusted that old man. I had to. He was
the key to my essence of being. Now, enough of this philosophical talk.
Let's see what was going on, mon!
As I looked around, I saw many objects of olden days, where my mommy once
told me of. It was also dusty! After thoroughly inspecting my
surroundings, and only finding an elementary sort of miniwave, I could
think of only one item, Who in heck's name was this guy?
Chapter XIV: Who This Guy Was
Being the interrogative guy that I was, I asked Mr. Oldie who exactly he
was, why he was here, and of what do they want me for. He replied to all
these questions quite calmly. "Why, I? I am but your friend. You may
call me Toyck. To your second question, why I am here. Well, I must tell
you, although you will believe me not. I am here because of luck. Good
luck at that. For now, I will explain to you the meaning of the second
question, and the answer to your third.
"A long time ago, back in the days of old, when Hura birds still roamed the
earth, I, Toyabracko, or Toyck, if you would, along with your ancestor..."
"Wait!" I exclaimed. But you? You could have lived ever so long? How..."
"Patience my boy, " he continued, "you will understand. Let me speak. I,
along with your ancestor Orujeekaboo, were not forced to travel, as your
stupid, idiotic myth speaks of. We were of highest nobles of the Lord
Kevinest Khan, as you folks have spoken truthfully. However, we ran away,
because it was I who had the visions of the miraculous place. And, after
the toilsome journey, we didn't kill the fuzzballs. We lived among them
happily for a while, and then one of them went on a journey, and never came
back for 2 Grookigoos. After that time, we could wait but one day. After
that, they all killed themselves, and the island turned gray and dull and
disgusting and putrid and morbid and gross and bad. However, that night, I
had but one more vision, that a descendant, a descendant would save the
universe a thousandfold number of times. It told me that this descendant
would come in over 1 year. Believing my images, Orujeek and I worked night
and day to perfect our formula we made to sustain life. However, we had
but enough for one of us. I tried to keep this from him, because I knew
what he would do. We would not have an argument... When he found out
about this, he immediately did what I thought. He killed himself, knowing
that only I could drink it. You may be wondering why he just didn't go
back to the King. As I told you, he couldn't. Besides, he was old as I
was already, and he couldn't do a ding about it, mon! Besides, I'm sure
the author wouldn't want to type in weird language with 'z's and 'ch's all
the time, right? Right!
"Now, I waited here for an extremely long time. Passing the day by
sleeping like heck. But, when the MIU came, I decided I'd have a little
fun. Being the genius that I am, I managed to get inside and create a
little holographically concealed room for myself. And this is it. I
furnished it with wood stuff I found outside. There is a door leading
outside, and you can get it that way too. Also, I knew you'd be coming.
And I didn't think you'd be getting here from just landing for no reason.
Now, you are here, because already, you have saved the universe from
dastardly deeds many a time. The MIU, working in cooperation with the
Monster People, would like to terminate you. The MIU itself cannot do
that, because they are supposedly good. But, I, I have come to save you.
I've waited over a YEAR for this, and you better be damned good. Well, I
must sneak you out of here. The only way is by a helicoptoral vehicle.
Since the helicoptoral vehicle is only driven by the bad guys wearing big
suits and stuff, we must sneak onto there, and fly away, away, away." he
said with a sort of semi-spaced out look. Continuing, "Now, my hero of
heroes, you must go back to your room, and pretend that nothing happened.
When they come to get you, you must not fear. For I have waited a darned
long time for this, and I better do it right!"
Chapter XV: Time...
As the time passed by, I, the hero, Hajizeewanokuraxialapadis, went back to
my room, luckily not meeting any bad guard-guys. As I, in the depressed
moment of my own self-being was, existed in only a semi-pseudo-quasi sort
of way. I was, and yet I was not... (you may be wondering why there is
all this junk with this stuff, well, how should I know!?!). I pondered
about life, even though the old man told me what the reason was. I was
be-dazzled (a word?) at the notion of having been known that I would exist
almost a year ago. The effects were unbelievable (so I won't document them
here). Then, the time came.............
Chapter XVI: Time (no more good names)
As they opened the door, I knew my fate. Sobering up, I didn't know if I
really believed that old-guy would save me. I sure as heck hoped so.
Well, there was only two guards to tangle with, but I'm sure the old guy
couldn't handle it. Yet, when we were walking down the aisle, after an
infinitely long time passed, a horrid monster jumped out...
Chapter XVII: A Horrid Jumping Monster
The monster was brown, with an almost uncountable number of appendages and
other tentacles whipping about. It's eyes were of the deepest green. With
unmatched strength, it growled a humongous sound which was quite disturbing
to the thin membrane of skin which lies in the middle ear. It formed a
terrible grimace, exposing caked-on plaque (sp?) and other gingivitis
signs. Its whipping arms lashed out, immediately destroying the fabrical
existence of the two shaded men. It then mutated back to a nice looking
old man, and, without me having to think anything, carried me, in his
unforseen strong arms, to a helicoptoral vehicle. Obviously taking the
passcard thingies away from the two guards before annihilating them. We
flew away to the preset destination, being in a rush. And yet we knew that
the Master Guy would think we were the guard guys carrying me to the
monster-people. We were going to change it when we got far enough away.
And yet (pad with periods please...)
Chapter XVIII: and yet............................
Although we were elated at first, and slapped low-fives, middle-fives,
three-quarter fives, side-fives, and everything else except high-fives, we
later checked out to see where we were going on the compu- monitor that was
on auto-pilot. When we looked, we were both silent.
Chapter XIX: After Silence
We were headed for the filthy wastelands of Haroojija, headquarters of the
evil Monster People we assumed. "It's too close!" Toyck exclaimed, cursing
under his breath. "No! We have to change course, I don't care if they
notice our change in direction. We'll make something up, like...". "NO!
Absolutely not! They have
speed-cruiser-laser-hydro-geo-thermal-rocket-booster-thingies that will
outrun us in three seconds! We MUST go to Haroojija, I hate the idea as
much as you!". I finally decided he was right. We had to go. However, we
would land somewhere inconspicuous. We would land...
Chapter XX: in the trees
Crash, thump, etc. Those were sounds we heard while crashing into the
trees near a swamp in Haroojija. The helicoptoral vehicle was broken!
Darns it schnookums (from Yingus Khaner Baby)! This was
bbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddd. We couldn't get out. That means we had to
stay in nasty Haroojija."Now we was in for it, mon. Now, mon, there was no
way out mon!" said Toyck quoting from Orujeek. "Wait!" I refused to give
up, "I refuse to give up!". Actually, I thought, this is better than going
to the dumb tree in Yogooby. I think I'm claustrophobic. Well, we crawled
out, into the nearby swamp, because there was no other way to go.
Chapter XXI: El Swampo de Los Mosquitoesos
Immediately, we recognized the swamp. It was the obvious El Swampo de Los
Mosquitoesos. This was el swampo that everyone in all of Moobak most
feared. It was grossly infested with disgusting amounts of mosquito
larvae, as well as the real female ones that suck yo' blood. Besides, the
mosquitoes were the size of the monitor you're looking at, or the paper you
printed this on. They were gross, and I was fearful. However, knowing
mosquitoes don't like mud, and will ignore it, we smeared it on (not like a
PAP though) and crawled through the mosquitoes, almost barfing when I came
to a huge one. Luckily (again), we was saved, and los mosquitoesos didn't
eat our toesos (or any other part). We walked through a forest (roughly
the size of la amazona), and found ourselves next to a huge white building.
Also, because of my knowledge, and working experience in the small island
of Haroojija, I figured out that this was THE building of the Monster
People. "Gosh darn it, monmon" he said to me in weird talk de LA Deepako.
"We must sneak in, it is my will! I must!" I retorted. "Okay, okay, I
understand your craving for fame beyond any previous dude" he understood.
We crawled through, knowing this mission would mean ultimate gratification
or the most horrible of deaths....
[This section written 2 years later.]
Chapter XXII: THE building
Toyck, being over 1.6 years old, knew nearly everything there was to know
about the world. Therefore, he easily showed me how to get in. We took a
shovel that was near the building, then dug and dug until we could crawl
under and to the white fantasm which was the heart of all Monster
Peopledom. While we were digging, I asked, "How did you become that big
ugly monster with nasty appendages?"
"Easy, I just ate a big-ugly-monster serum which I made one afternoon out
of coffee and orange peels."
"Oh, I get it. I'll try that sometime." We went under and when we emerged,
there was a big flashing nasty blindingly bright light in our eyes. "Darn
that's bright!" I yelled.
"Damn straight," said a voice from the wall, "you are now prisoners of all
monster people everywhere. You shall become one of us. It is your fate,
Haji, join us, Haji..."
"I don't think so!" I yelled as I threw the shovel against the light. That
wasn't a good move because then red lights flashed and sirens buzzed.
"Flash-flash, buzz-buzz". Toyck started running and indicated me to follow
him. "Why'd you do that fool?"
[This written 2 years later again. Notice any stylistic differences?]
"I don't know, maybe it's because I'm a fool, genius." I wittily replied.
We ran and we ran until our legs were broken from the strain, and then we
stopped. It was no use, the evil Monster People were coming from all
sides. We were in a four way intersection, and there were no stop signs,
baby. The next thing that happened scared me so much and changed my life.
Toyck, good man, lifted me in his arms, and at first I thought he wanted to
look up my skirt, but then I realized he was lifting me up to the ceiling
vent- crawlways. "What about you, Toyck? What about you?!" He said
daintily, "Forget about me, man! Haji, you're the savior. You are such a
loser, dude, but you are destined to save our planet. How sad and annoying
is that? I live for so damn long, and now I die trying to save your
pathetic ass."
A tear welled up inside me, and I realized the nothingness of... Toyck's
life. He lived so long and didn't save the universe a million times like
me. I was what was important, so I went into the crawlway space, stood up
and ran. I heard sounds of a fierce struggle, of yells and screams of
agony, pain, and ecstasy. Ecstasy? Oh, that was me, because I was running
away and not dying. I ran through the labyrinth of conduits, desperately
searching for a place to exit and save myself. How symbolic, I thought.
How retchingly symbolic.
Chapter XXIII: Not so fresh
I heard a lot of beeps and boops, and I decided to head toward the light.
I looked down through the ceiling panel, and saw into a room full of
monitors, buttons, and beautiful women. I decided to descend for the
greater purpose of disabling the control decks and finding myself a way
out. Plus, there were beautiful women.
First, I saw the mangled bodies on the video screen where the battle had
taken place. I couldst hardly stand to view it. Then I decided to tape it
onto my laserdisc to sell back home for the news broadcast. There was a
line of switches on the wall. I flipped every one. The buttons? Pushed
them all. Then I threw away the fisher-price toy and looked at the
controls in the room. I took out the sledgehammer from the corner of the
room and smashed all the video decks after I got my recording. I pushed
the big red "DO NOT PUSH" button, and a big Everlast glove came out and
punched me, and a voice said, "You shouldn't have pushed that, you bumbling
idiot." It was the voice of the Silly Rabbit. Right next to that was a
button marked, "DISABLE MONSTER PEOPLE HEADQUARTERS AND DESTROY ALL THE BAD
GUYS" Did I mention there were beautiful women? They were all tied up
against chairs, held hostage in the same way our society exploits and
mistreats the equally valid if different emotional capacities of the gender
misunderstanding. I decided to keep them tied up, until one told me to
press the button which would destroy the monster people. Then I decided to
free them with my gun.
Chapter XXIV: Seconds later...
A countdown was issuing forth, "GET OUT, I'm going to blow up," the
building said. "Exactly," I thought. "Exactly."
"What the hell are you thinking, dummy?" the women asked me. "Let's get
out of here."
"Oh, I'll get us out of here, alright. You just cool it. That's right.
Be chill." I was dragged up and thrown up into the crawlway space again.
The women followed. Really agile women who could jump into the ceiling all
by themselves with their supple, limber limbs. We ran around, making noise
like professional percussionists on a windy day. Finally, we saw
something. It was a sign...an exit sign. I was surprised that no one was
stopping us, but I guess it's because I'm just so damn smooth.
We followed the path of the sign, and the other signs that we ran into.
Even the one that said, "Take off your shirt, turn it inside out, and put
it back on with your head coming out of the sleeve. Ha ha!"
At the end of the path there was a big chute. "Let me go in first, I said.
I've played chutes and ladders, and I always went down the chutes. But I
was also always the African-American female, and they were all
two-dimensional, so forget that. I don't want to die, though, and you gals
are just here for my eyes." They were all eye doctors -- mysterious, but
true.
Chapter XXV: Down the hatch
We went down the chute, ran away in a field of beautiful poppy, skipping,
wearing clothes made of curtains, and singing "I am sixteen, going on
seventeen." A loud explosion disturbed our festivities, but we continued
running until we came to a stream, with a fragrant waterfall and lilies to
boot. We stayed there for the rest of our lives, me with lenses created in
less than an hour, giving me perfect vision. The gals with constant
stories of a veritable Sinbad the Sailor in their midst. A legend in his
own time. Talented Tale-Weaver. Sordid Story-Spinner. Lackadaisical
Lily-Loser. But noofy Megawave Repairman, through and through.
And these were the days of our lives...