Rocky Lotito (COM '09)

Underneath Rocky's clothes, there's an endless story. It's the story of a man who dared question the system and then decided to stay home and watch the Royals game instead, but it's also the story of the man we knew from day one would make a great president, mainly because he was the tallest among us. Rocky likes it shen he can express his opinion. Others don't. He thinks Hank Aaron is his bitch, and that's just something they have to work out themselves.

Vice-President

Jake Campbell (CAS '09)

Jake's plan to take over the world involves strange scrawls in a notebook and the ability to suck in his cheeks. We know no other details, but we suspect that once he succeeds, things will be much more organized (he will keep China, for instance, in a green binder). Jake is a Styx enthusiast, and he is particularly fond of "Mr. Roboto." There is nothing wrong with his penguin fixation, or at least that's what he tells his girlfriend.

Treasurer

Ryan "Menezes" Menezes (COM '09)

Few people can manage to be in two places at once. Menezes can be in four, while successfully eluding enemies at all of them. We don't always understand him when he speaks, but we know he carries... things in his pockets, so we think it prudent to just nod and smile. Ryan has a very long nail, which can inflict orgasms from 200ft away. He has a high tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for liquor.

Secretary

Raffi Melanson (CAS '10)

There is a reason for Raffi's aura of mellowness and good cheer. When he was in fifth grade, Raffi heard a D.A.R.E. officer tell him he didn't need drugs to have a good time. Thinking this good sense, he went home and ate three psychoactive toads while holding his breath and leaning on an electric fence. Though he has been high ver since, Raffi continues to funtion. He enjoys surfing and needs no board. Or water.

Tournament Director

Ryan "Ryan Cross" Cross (CAS '09)

Many people on the APDA circuit know Ryan. Some of them may even like him, especially since he started selling "Tickle-Me-Ryan" dolls to help his image. Raised in a faraway land we know only as "Wyoming," Ryan carries many traditional cowboy trappings with him, including a hat, a bottle and a cow. Judges know when he is proud of his debate speeches from his habit of whipping revolvers from his pants and firing into the air.

Novice Tournament Director

Román came to Boston by clinging to a tire. The thousand mile roadtrip from Kentucky left him with a permanent ringing in his ear and a strange line over the a in his name. For the last six months, Román had been involved with a class-action lawsuit his various multiple personalities have filed against himself. He'll lose no matter what, but he hopes to benefit financially through his heavy legal fees.

Yekaterina Blinova (CAS '10)

Yekaterina grew up with a traveling circus. She didn't perform; she just followed it from city to city, longing to be a juggler. She eventually settled for debate and now cleans our cages.

Erica Brandt (CAS '09)

When Erica's bored (Tuesdays), she bangs strangers' heads on ice till they call her Uncle. She would call her Uncle herself, but she has no phone, and she still hasn't forgiven him for 1997.

Rebecca Doffing (CAS '08)

Historical records suggest that Rebecca was here before any of us. Faulty logic therefore suggests she will be here after any of us. Scientists say something similar about, uh, sharks. Yeah. Sharks.

Garron Chiu (SMG '10)

Garron had to flee the country recently when he learned pimping was illegal, but he has now returned. Unfortunately, he had to rearrange the vowels in his surname to avoid detection by the authorities.

Lina Duarte (CAS '09)

Lina pays for college through the private medical clinic she runs from the GSU. Her controversial reliance on human combustion earns her much respect. So far, there have been no survivors.

Tom Hagedorn (ENG '10)

We're always after Tom's lucky charms, so he often throws punches at team members. Rather than fight fair, he maintains an eternal cranial flame that he uses to burn opponents' sensitive areas.

Ruth Morris (CAS '10)

One of seven brides who married seven brothers, Ruth is the only team member who can legally drive a bus. Her aggressive Texan demeanor strikes fear into even those whose faith is strong.

Emma Oldenkamp (COM '09)

Emma has a tan that can deflect most bullets. She has teeth that can cut through icecaps. She can destroy small cities in the Mid West using only her mind.

Roman "Roman the Elder" Pazuniak (CAS '09)

Roman is a shady underworld beer mogul from whom we try to distance ourselves. He stalks Chinese girls and keeps 18th Century philosophers frozen in his basement.

James Sappenfield (CAS '09)

We originally meant for James to be a cartoon character in only one episode, but he printed himself into being and now exists in four dimentions. In his spare time, he plants tea.

Emily Small (CAS '08)

Emily is a shoe-flinging prelaw student, minoring in "cute." She enjoys fighting crime and works part time at a detective agency that exists only in her mind.

Neil St. Clair (COM '08)

Neil is back from visiting his estate (Europe), where he paid passing peasants to photograph him with his hot, hot girlfriend. He thought he'd return as president. He didn't.

Kyle Wende (CAS '09)

Either Kyle knows something we don't, or there's absolutely no reason for his fixed smirk. At night, Kyle plays his guitar outside women's windows till they throw shoes he can sell to buy food.

Vanessa Wilczewski (CAS '08)

Vanessa spent the last year starring in Shakesperean dramas and dating the lead singer of a British rock band. She has agreed to return, and we have agreed to believe her.

Jack Wray (CAS '10)

We like to think of Jack as "that guy who wears suits even when he's not debating." He likes to think of himself as "the Kennedy who hasn't died yet."

Xu Xu (CAS '10)

In 1988, Dr. Vaz warned the Xus that their future daughter's intellect would destroy three nations. The only solution was to give her the shortest name possible. The rest is history.

Tiffany Zendejas (CAS '10)

Tiffany's petite figure and youthful features make her look far younger than her eleven years. She consumes large quantities of gelatine to protest the Swiss war.