Mohamlet
in Manhattan
by
Albert Ehrenstein (1942)
translated
by Sheldon Gilman and Robert Levine
We all know how strict the
immigration laws in the United States are and must be, particularly regarding
people who seem to have blood on their hands. All the greater was my surprise,
then, when I recently had occasion to leaf through a prematurely yellow
anniversary issue of "Manhattan" (from the year 2867). An article
dealt at length with the commonly accepted fact that the former Prince Hamlet
had tarried somewhat longer in N.Y. –
spending his twilight years there while Europe was experiencing the Fascist
epidemic.
My astonishment at this
anachronistic, first-class achievement only diminished when I became aware of
how few fragments of Shakespeare had survived the chronic bombardments of that
century. It was a time of matriarchy, during which the authorship of the works
of Shakespeare were of course attributed to women – for example, Othello,
to Mrs. Beecher-Stowe. Apart from that, we had only summaries and phrases of
his works, from Hamlet only the quotations that follow. Disbelievers
might be convinced by a (glossed) account of the aforementioned local news
report or "historical reminiscence", in which, by the way, even the
name of the Danish prince has been garbled. Let me begin:
From fragments of the works of an
earlier, well-known Old English female historian named W. Shakespeare, we know
that she was also concerned, in her undoubtedly reliable annals, with the
intricate fortunes of a melancholy Prince Mohamlet of Denmark. Few of our
learned readers, however, may have guessed where and how he died. We can have
no doubt about it: in New York State. How this murderer of several men happened
to obtain a U.S. visa can no longer be determined exactly. Probably this bloody
avenger, who used several kinds of self-defense slipped in under another royal
title. That Mohamlet, in the process, eliminated three stupid diplomats --
fork-tongued courtiers and horse thieves – named Rosenkranz, Guildenstern, and
Polonius, hardly merits being strung up on the gallows. For particularly in the
aforementioned Polonius Shakespeare seems to have glorified the Polonius-like
nature of most nations and leaders. But
in the throes of a violent step-father-and-mother complex, Mohamlet killed his
throne-robbing uncle, the treacherous murderer of his father and seducer of his
mother. Only the fifth killing (of a young fencing master, Laertes), blamed on
the Dane, might not have happened, but rather may be an inartistic interpolation,
an obscure insertion. For Laertes belongs clearly to another, older cycle of
sagas; he is generally considered an ancient avatar of the Trojan horse-breeder
Ulysses of Ithaca, and thus could not very well have killed Mohamlet with a
poisoned rapier. Moreover, accompanied by his friend Horatio (probably Nelson,
who, according to subsequent English chronicles had fallen out of favor as a
result of his flirtation with Lady Hamilton, and in whose honor a New York
telephone exchange is still called Trafalgar), Mohamlet came to New York,
apparently on board the Aprilflower. The exact words with which he greeted the
soil of this city, "Camel or Chesterfield, that is the question,"
seemed to have something to do with the human sacrifices or preferred tobacco
with which the redskin Indians of that time filled their peace-pipes or
war-painted cheeks.
The very informal outfit in which
Mohamlet appeared had, for a long time, an influence on the informality of
men’s fashion.
"Mohamlet, with his doublet all
unbraid
No hat upon his head; his stockings
foul’d,
Ungarter’d, and down-gyved to his
ankle;
Pale as his shirt."
In reverential memory, many
gentlemen, even to this day, in the subway wear loose socks barely covering
their ankles.
How did Mohamlet support himself in New
York?
"Thrift, thrift, Horatio! The
funeral bak’d meats
Did coldly furnish forth the
marriage tables."
From this a gluttonous scholar, who
certainly had not studied in Wittenberg, would draw the logical conclusion that
Hamlet had been the manager in a Danish seamen’s bar. Popular with sports fans
because his royal father had been a fine hockey player, as this passage
reveals:
"So frown’d he once when, in an
angry parle,
He smote the sledded pole – on the
ice."
But by no means should one believe
an irreverent, completely disgusting tale, which claims falsely that Mohamlet
earned a living as a ventriloquist, projecting shadowy figures on the wall,
using the ghost of his father to tell fortunes. That was not necessary for
Mohamlet, especially since, as Shakespeare’s most profound creation, he
understood, as some of his remarks demonstrate, more about the theater and
acting than any critic on earth. Certainly Hollywood would rather have
entrusted the Burial of Hecuba to him than to anyone else, including
director Max Reinhardt.
But Mohamlet in fact lived so far
from a world of bars or ventriloquist’s makeup that he would never have even
dreamed of yielding to a snobbish female trillionaire. He, who says of himself:
"Man delights not me, no, nor
woman neither".
He lived his memories and the people
he killed – much too much! At the end he believed that the Statue of Liberty
was pursuing him with offers of marriage. On
one of his worst days he rented a boat (whether with rudder, sail, or motor –
about this learned men have twisted their beards into pigtails). He had himself towed close to the statue of
freedom and shouted to her incessantly through a megaphone: "Go thy ways
to a nunnery."
Now he might have feared a
tyrannically rough future, – what is certain, however, is that an inquiry made
of the New York police produced the calming information that the Statue of
Liberty, the most endurable virgin in this world, had made no advances of any
sort towards him.
If the writings of a psychiatrist
can be accepted as evidence, Sigmund Freud, in any case, psychoanalyzed him –
because "something is rotten in the State of Denmark."
According to highly confidential
reports, Mohamlet was brought to a sanatorium, something very much like a
monk’s cloister, located in the country, run by Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
according to the “system of Doctor Tar and Professor Feather," a mental
hospital which we believe we can recommend most warmly to our gentle readers.
"Rest, rest, perturbed
spirit!"