Lazarillo de Tormes (1554?)
 
 
How Lazaro Went to Work for a Pardoner and the Things That
Happened to Him Then
 
 
As luck would have it, the fifth one I ran into was a seller of
papal indulgences. He was arrogant, without principles, the
biggest hawker of indulgences that I've ever seen in my life or
ever hope to see--and probably the biggest one of all time. He
had all sorts of ruses and underhanded tricks, and he was always
thinking up new ones.
 
When he'd come to a place where he was going to sell these
pardons, first he'd give the priests and the other clergy some
presents--just little things that really weren't worth much: some
lettuce from Murcia; a couple limes or oranges if they were in
season; maybe a peach; some pears--the kind that stay green even
after they're ripe. That way he tried to win them over so they'd
look kindly on his business and call out their congregation to buy
up the indulgences.
 
When they thanked him, he'd find out how well educated they were. 
If they said they understood Latin, he wouldn't speak a word of
it so they couldn't trip him up; instead he'd use some refined,
polished-sounding words and flowery phrases. And if he saw that
these clerics were "appointed reverends"--I mean that they bought
their way into the priesthood instead of by going through school-
-he turned into a Saint Thomas, and for two hours he'd speak
Latin. Or, at least, something that sounded like Latin even if
it wasn't.
 
When they wouldn't take his pardons willingly, he'd try to find
some underhanded way to get them to take them. To do that, he'd
sometimes make a nuisance of himself, and other times he'd use
his bag of tricks. It would take too long to talk about all the
things I saw him do, so I'll just tell about one that was really
sly and clever, and I think that will show how good he was at it.
 
In a place called Sagra, in the province of Toledo, he'd been
preaching for two or three days, trying his usual gimmicks, and
not one person had bought an indulgence, and I couldn't see that
they had any intention of buying any. He swore up and down, and
trying to think of what to do, he decided to call the town together
the next morning so he could try to sell all the pardons.
 
And that night, after supper, he and the constable began to
gamble to see who would pay for the meal. They got to quarreling
over the game, and there were heated words. He called the
constable a thief, and the constable called him a swindler. At
that point my master, the pardoner, picked up a spear that was
lying against the door of the room where they were playing. The
constable reached for his sword, that he kept at his side.
 
The guests and neighbors came running at the noise and shouting
we all began to make, and they got in between the two of them to
break it up. Both men were really mad, and they tried to get
away from the people who were holding them back so they could
kill each other. But since those people had come swarming in at
all the noise, the house was full of them, and when the two men
saw that they couldn't use their weapons they began to call each
other names. And at one point the constable said my master was a
swindler and that all the pardons he was selling were
counterfeit.
 
Finally, the townspeople saw that they couldn't make them stop,
so they decided to get the constable out of the inn and take him
somewhere else. And that made my master even madder. But after
the guests and neighbors pleaded with him to forget about it and
go home to bed he left, and then so did everyone else.
 
The next morning my master went to the church and told them to
ring for mass so he could preach and sell the indulgences. And
the townspeople came, muttering about the pardons, saying that
they were forgeries and that the constable himself had let it out
while they were quarreling. So, if they hadn't wanted to take
any pardons before, they were dead set against it now.
 
The pardoner went up to the pulpit and began his sermon, trying
to stir up the people, telling them that they shouldn't be
without the blessings and the forgiveness that would come to them
by buying the indulgences.
 
When he was into the sermon in full swing, the constable came in
the church door, and after praying he got up, and with a loud and
steady voice he began to speak very solemnly: "My fellow men, let
me say a word; afterward, you can listen to whoever you like. I
came here with this swindler who's preaching. But he tricked
me: he said that if I helped him in his business, we'd split the
profits. And now, seeing how it would hurt my conscience and
your pocketbooks, I've repented of what I've done. And I want to
tell you openly that the indulgences he's selling are forgeries. 
Don't believe him and don't buy them. I'm not involved with them
any longer--either in an open or a hidden way--and from now on
I'm giving up my staff, the symbol of my office, and I throw it
on the ground so that you'll see I mean it. And if sometime in
the future this man is punished for his cheating, I want you to
be my witnesses that I'm not in with him and I'm not helping him,
but that I told you the truth--that he's a double-dealing liar."
 
And he finished his speech.
 
When he'd started, some of the respectable men there wanted to
get up and throw the constable out of church so there wouldn't be
any scandal. But my master stopped them and told them all not to
bother him under penalty of excommunication. He told them to let
him say anything he wanted to. So while the constable was saying
all that, my master kept quiet, too.
 
When he stopped speaking, my master told him if he wanted to say
anything more he should go ahead. And the constable said, "I
could say plenty more about you and your dirty tricks, but I've
said enough for now."
 
Then the pardoner knelt down in the pulpit, and with his hands
folded, and looking up toward heaven, he said: "Lord God, to Whom
nothing is hidden and everything is manifest, for Whom nothing is
impossible and everything is possible, Thou knowest the truth of
how unjustly I have been accused. In so far as I am concerned, I
forgive him so that Thou, Oh Lord, may forgive me. Pay no
attention to this man who knows not what he says or does. But
the harm that has been done to Thee, I beg and beseech Thee in
the name of righteousness that Thou wilt not disregard it.
 
"Because someone here may have been thinking of taking this holy
indulgence, and now, believing that the false words of that man
are true, they will not take it. And since that would be so
harmful to our fellow men, I beg Thee, Lord, do not disregard
it; instead, grant us a miracle here. Let it happen in this way:
if what that man says is true--that I am full of malice and
falseness--let this pulpit collapse with me in it and plunge
one hundred feet into the ground, where neither it nor I shall
ever be seen again. But if what I say is true--and he, won over
by the devil to distrain and deprive those who are here present
from such a great blessing--if he is saying false things,
let him be punished and let his malice be known to all."
 
My reverent master had hardly finished his prayer when the
crooked constable fell flat on his face, hitting the floor so
hard that it made the whole church echo. Then he began to roar
and froth at the mouth and to twist it and his whole face, too,
kicking and hitting and rolling around all over the floor.
 
The people's shouts and cries were so loud that no one could hear
anyone else. Some were really terrified. Other people were
saying, "God help him." And others said, "He got what was coming
to him. Anyone who lies like he did deserves it."
 
Finally, some of the people there (even though I think they were
really afraid) went up to him and grabbed hold of his arms, while
he was swinging wildly at everyone around him. Other people
grabbed his legs, and they really had to hold him tight because
he was kicking harder than a mule. They held him down for quite
a while. There were more than fifteen men on top of him, and he
was still trying to hit them; and if they weren't careful he
would punch them in the nose.
 
All the time that master of mine was on his knees up in the
pulpit with his hands and eyes fixed on heaven, caught up by the
Holy Spirit. And all the noise in the church--the crying and
shouting--couldn't bring him out of that mystical trance.
 
Those good men went up to him, and by shouting they aroused him
and begged him to help that poor man who was dying. They told
him to forget about the things that had happened before and the
other man's awful words because he had been paid back for them. 
But if he could somehow do something that would take that man out
of his misery and suffering, to do it--for God's sake--because it
was obvious that the other man was guilty and that the pardoner
was innocent and had been telling the truth, since the Lord had
shown His punishment right there when he'd asked for revenge.
 
The pardoner, as if waking from a sweet dream, looked at them and
looked at the guilty man and all the people there, and very
slowly he said to them: "Good men, you do not need to pray for a
man in whom God has given such a clear sign of Himself. But
since He commands us not to return evil for evil and to forgive
those who harm us, we may confidently ask Him to do what He
commands us to do. We may ask His Majesty to forgive this man
who offended Him by putting such an obstacle in the way of the
holy faith. Let us all pray to Him."
 
And so he got down from the pulpit and urged them to pray very
devoutly to Our Lord, asking Him to forgive that sinner and bring
back his health and sanity and to cast the devil out of him if,
because of his great sins, His Majesty had permitted one to go in.
 
 They all got down on their knees in front of the altar, and with
the clergy there they began to softly chant a litany. My master
brought the cross and the holy water, and after he had chanted
over him, he held his hands up to heaven and tilted his eyes
upward so that the only thing you could see was a little of their
whites. Then he began a prayer that was as long as it was pious. 
And it made all the people cry (just like the sermons at Holy
Week, when the preacher and the audience are both fervent). And
he prayed to God, saying that it was not the Lord's will to give
that sinner death but to bring him back to life and make him
repent. And since the man had been led astray by the devil but
was now filled with the thought of death and his sins, he prayed
to God to forgive him and give him back his life and his health
so he could repent and confess his sins.
 
And when this was finished, he told them to bring over the
indulgence, and he put it on the man's head. And right away that
sinner of a constable got better, and little by little he began
to come to. And when he was completely back in his senses, he
threw himself down at the pardoner's feet and asked his
forgiveness. He confessed that the devil had commanded him to
say what he did and had put the very words in his mouth. First,
to hurt him and get revenge. Secondly--and mainly--because the
devil himself would really be hurt by all the good that could be
done here if the pardons were bought up.
 
My master forgave him, and they shook hands. And there was such
a rush to buy up the pardons that there was hardly a soul in the
whole place that didn't get one: husbands and wives, sons and
daughters, boys and girls.
 
The news of what had happened spread around to the neighboring
towns, and when we got to them, he didn't have to give a sermon
or even go to the church. People came right up to the inn to get
them as if they were going out of style. So in the ten or twelve
places we went to around there, my master sold a good thousand
indulgences in each place without even preaching a sermon.
 
While the "miracle" was happening, I have to admit that I was
astonished, too, and I got taken in just like the others. But
when I saw the way my master and the constable laughed and joked
about the business later, I realized that it had all been cooked
up by my sharp and clever master.
 
And even though I was only a boy, it really amused me, and I said
to myself: I'll bet these shysters do this all the time to
innocent people.
 
Well, to be brief, I stayed with my fifth master about four
months, and I had some hard times with him, too.